Josh and I drove to Crown King today, which we had been talking about doing for a long time. We thought it’d be a good distraction and get us out of the house. The drive was scary—dirt road on cliff switchbacks with no guardrail for the last third of the drive. Not fun and nothing much to see when we got there. We saw 2 young couples with 2 baby carriers with little feet sticking out eating at the first restaurant. One of the babies was covered with an ugly tan towel, which made me think I deserved a baby more than them because my baby would be covered with a cute blanket. Silly thoughts and mean thoughts I have. I was fine on the way there, but felt sad on the way back and told Josh I wished we were too busy at home with our newborn to drive to Crown King. He said “me too”.
This was a rough day and felt heavy with sadness all morning. Needed to get up and move around, but couldn’t seem to do it until after lunchtime. Went to garden with my mom, but didn’t enjoy it. After that, I finally talked to our neighbor Connie, who was so excited about our baby. She walked up silent with her arms out and I just cried as soon as we hugged. I asked if her someone had already told her and she said yes and cried with me. She told me I could cuss and be mad. She invited me over for wine and we sat on her front porch rocker and talked while her grandson slept in the car. She put a big frozen strawberry in my wine and made me laugh and listened.
Felt pretty okay most of the day today and was able to handle some things I needed to do. What made me sad today was seeing a mom in Trader Joe’s with a baby in a front backpack carrier. I longed to have my Luke there with me in a carrier too and felt so empty without him there. I longed so badly for that weight of a little body sleeping in front of me while I shopped. I had 2 of those backpacks, plus a Moby sling, ready to use for Luke. They are just sitting there with no baby to use them.