Friends and Laughing Babies

6-21-13

Yesterday I met a friend for lunch who I had not seen since I lost Luke.   She is a close coworker and friend.  She had a baby 4 months before I did.  We were pregnant together and shared details about that.  Then when she had her little girl, she shared new baby stories with me and I listened, dreaming about all these things coming for me soon with the arrival of Luke.  So, although I was excited about seeing her, I was also apprehensive.  She has a new baby and I don’t.  The scenario I had pictured of both of us toting carriers with precious bundles to the restaurant can’t happen.  But she was there with hers.

I was pleased to find that I could enjoy her baby.  I smiled at her and she held tight to my finger.  I admired her little ruffled bloomers and her hair bow.  I was thankful she was a girl because girls are less painful for me to see than baby boys.  Her mom got her to laugh and her laugh was happy and very cute.  I was worried my familiar feelings of sadness at the sight of a baby would flood in and wipe me out, but they didn’t.  I felt sadness, but also the real joy I always used to feel around a cute baby.  It was bittersweet, instead of just bitter.  This seems like progress.  I was able to look forward to having that in my own life as if it will happen.

My friend cried with me several times, which is so helpful.  She also laughed with me and was very frank about her life.  She said she has been thinking about me a lot and that it has been a hard summer.  She shared a couple of things that are going on with others she cares about.  A family she knows just lost their mom.  The mom killed herself, leaving her husband and two little boys behind.  As soon as she said this, I knew it was the family we had prayed for at  the end of church last Sunday.  When I said the women’s name as a question, she confirmed that it was.  This woman had been on my mind.  For one thing, she had my name, Sara.  She also had a son named Hudson, which is my Luke’s middle name.  When the pastor prayed for her family on Sunday, I felt like the prayer was for me and my family.  The words were exactly what I needed.  They were words that have been prayed over us too.  This is so sad. I don’t understand how someone could leave her sons behind when all I want is to be with my son so badly.  In my jumbled grieving brain, I thought, well, this family has no mom, I have no son, I should just step in and be that Hudson’s mom.  They have what I need and I could fill their void also.  So silly.  If only it was that simple.

My friend also told me that her 4-year-old niece has brain cancer.  She was in remission, but now can’t walk, lost hearing in one ear and her speech is being affected.  The doctors said she probably has a month.  This made me thankful that my Luke did not have to suffer before he died.  He was not in pain.  We did not have to see him deteriorate.  This is what my doctor meant when she said there are fates worse than death.  I add this to my growing mental list of “things that would be worse”.  There are so many awful things in this world.  Thank goodness this life is just a blink of an eye compared to our eternity in heaven.  But we will get joy in this life too.  Hopefully starting with baby that I can hold close and keep while on this earth.

Last night when I was thinking about the day, I remembered that baby girl’s cute laugh and felt a stabbing pang.  My Luke never got to laugh, I thought.  I never got to see him laugh!  The loss began to rush in.  But then I felt like God told me, “He is laughing!  In heaven, he is laughing.”  And that lifted the weight.

Babies Everywhere and Father’s Day

6/13/13

My mom and I were shopping and there was a boy around a year old in the store.  His older brother was making faces at him and he was just laughing and laughing loudly.  It was the cutest, happiest sound but it made me so sad.  Later, there was a baby boy with chunky legs nestled happily in a backpack carrier.  I couldn’t stop staring, even though it hurt my heart to look at him.  This happens almost everywhere I go.   It seems like there are babies everywhere and everyone has babies except me.  I am so jealous of every car seat on top of a grocery cart, every baby in a backpack carrier, every blanket-covered bundle and every baby laugh or cry.  I wonder how long it is going to be like that.  I hope that I will be able to enjoy babies like I used to at some point.

6/15/13

Tomorrow is Father’s Day.  I got my husband a card and a few gifts.  He has to deal with having his first father’s day with no baby in the house.  I want to honor him and make sure he’s included in the day.  My family is planning to go to church, lunch and a car show.  I assumed my husband would at least come to lunch, but tonight he is saying he doesn’t want to be around people at all.  This makes me sad and I don’t know how to explain to my family that he doesn’t want to see them.  My mom has a gift for him too.  We are bickering a lot the last few days.  I want to be around my family, go do things, read books and blogs about losing a baby, and cry.  He wants to come home from work and drink and tune out.  This must be the part people kept warning me about where people grieve differently.  I don’t like it.  The first couple of weeks he was so sweet and extra gentle to me.  I wish it could stay that way.  I don’t know how to make sure he is okay or how to help him feel better.

Comforting verses

My cousin sent me these good verses in a card.  I found them comforting and hope others can too.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” –Psalm 34:18

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”–Matthew 5:4

“Like a shepherd, he will care for his flock, gathering the lambs in his arms, hugging them as he carries them.”–Isaiah 40:11