I felt like God told me something helpful during communion. As we were getting the little crackers and cups of grape juice to represent the body and the blood of Jesus, I felt He told me, “If I would do this for you, let my only Son die for you, won’t I heal you from this hurt?”. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to heal from this loss of Luke which has ripped my heart in two, so I need this encouragement.
The pastor also taught on my favorite verse Romans 8:28 today, which I had been looking forward to since Mother’s Day (when I sat in church feeling Luke kick), when I saw that the pastor was working his way through Romans chapter 8. Romans 8:28 says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” That has always been my favorite verse, but I have never had a situation this hard to apply it to.
Here are my favorite parts of the sermon from the notes handout and what I wrote down to encourage myself.
- There are things in life we don’t know, events that we might not understand, and questions that don’t get answered. Yet the words of Romans 8:28 provide a supernatural comfort and confidence in the fact that God knows everything! He has a wonderful plan for our lives which He’s accomplishing through each and every event we experience.
- All things in our lives can produce final and lasting good for our souls.
- It’s the outcome of a trial where you will prosper because God has worked it out for your good.
- Every cloud has its silver lining. (Yep, he actually said that.)
- Sun and rain come down on the just and unjust, on everyone.
- The bud is bitter, but sweet the flower (from a song).
- God will make it plain.
I enjoyed all of this and took it in, but it is still hard to imagine that any future or side benefit could be worth losing Luke. So, I have to remind myself to go back to the analogy of the rainbow light in which we only see a one-color white light, but there are really 7 rainbow colors making that white light. It needs to be not just 1 good thing coming from this someday, but at least 7 things! And I need it to be better for my Luke.
I got discouraged by a phrase in a song toward the end of service that says “you are all I need” to God. I don’t feel this way. I need a lot more than God. I need Josh, my parents, my sister and a baby. Am I supposed to only need God and if so, will He have to continue to strip me of other things to get me to the point where I feel that way? I can’t imagine ever feeling that way. I may need Him the most, but I need other things too. This thought of the areas I possibly have shortcomings in made me worry that in order to continue to mold and shape me, God will continue to allow hurts and take things from me, like He allowed Luke to be taken. This scares me a lot. I do not ever want to have anything as bad as this again. If He let this come through His hands to me, what else would He allow? I told my parents this and my dad said he understands that sentiment. My mom said “you are in process”. On my way home, I was reminded of the verse “’For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future’” from Jeremiah 29:11. I also heard a song on the radio that reminded me that I don’t need to fear anything. I think God sends these messages and phrases of comfort when I need them. I have several times recently heard that “God holds you in the palm of His hand”. Even though I am broken and so sad, He is holding me and whispering things into my ear when I most need them. He knows every detail of my life and every tear I cry.