My mom and I were shopping and there was a boy around a year old in the store. His older brother was making faces at him and he was just laughing and laughing loudly. It was the cutest, happiest sound but it made me so sad. Later, there was a baby boy with chunky legs nestled happily in a backpack carrier. I couldn’t stop staring, even though it hurt my heart to look at him. This happens almost everywhere I go. It seems like there are babies everywhere and everyone has babies except me. I am so jealous of every car seat on top of a grocery cart, every baby in a backpack carrier, every blanket-covered bundle and every baby laugh or cry. I wonder how long it is going to be like that. I hope that I will be able to enjoy babies like I used to at some point.
Tomorrow is Father’s Day. I got my husband a card and a few gifts. He has to deal with having his first father’s day with no baby in the house. I want to honor him and make sure he’s included in the day. My family is planning to go to church, lunch and a car show. I assumed my husband would at least come to lunch, but tonight he is saying he doesn’t want to be around people at all. This makes me sad and I don’t know how to explain to my family that he doesn’t want to see them. My mom has a gift for him too. We are bickering a lot the last few days. I want to be around my family, go do things, read books and blogs about losing a baby, and cry. He wants to come home from work and drink and tune out. This must be the part people kept warning me about where people grieve differently. I don’t like it. The first couple of weeks he was so sweet and extra gentle to me. I wish it could stay that way. I don’t know how to make sure he is okay or how to help him feel better.