It’s the start of monsoon season in Prescott, which means hot, moist storms with wind and rain that sweep in quickly. Today the sky looks like it’s crying. I feel like it mirrors my heart. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I am thankful, but I miss Luke.
Yesterday I was working at a Christian music festival, which was a happy atmosphere, but much of the day I felt sad. In the morning, they posted me at the bounce houses. I thought, okay, this will be fine, kids who are big enough to jump aren’t babies and it will be cute. But people who have little kids often also have babies. When a little girl took her baby brother in to bounce with her, I had to look away because it made the tears want to come. He looked about one and had blond hair like I pictured Luke would have. He was making funny faces as he felt the floor moving underneath him. At first he seemed scared of it, but then he started smiling. He could barely stand, but kept trying.
There were several other baby encounters like this in the day and on this day, I was not handling them well. It stabbed my heart each time.
In the evening, we got to attend the concert for free for volunteering. I have found music speaks to me much more deeply lately, especially music about God. I used to listen to it somewhat mindlessly. Lately, I have been clinging to every word, hoping it can give me some meaning or word of comfort in this painful time.
The singer from Tenth Avenue North talked about how you might be going through a time that feels like your worst “Good Friday”. It may seem dark and painful and defeated. But just as God had for Jesus, your Easter is coming. I believe this. I know that going to heaven will be like that. I just need to also see that there can be a little of that joy and light before then, while I have to be on this earth. I know God loves me and is taking care of my every moment and there will be joyful times coming; it’s just sometimes hard to picture what they will be right now. I had so many happy pictures of what was to come during these nine months with Luke. After the shock of his loss, it’s hard to be certain of anything good coming to completion. However, I do know that whatever else is to come my way, God has known about it since before I was even created and He will hold my hand through it all.