Some good and some bad


I had some really good and some bad today.  A coworker who I don’t get to see often (she’s a consultant who only comes around once in awhile), but who I’ve always really liked and connected with invited me to breakfast.  She listened, asked helpful questions and cried with me about Luke.  Then she treated me to a pedicure.  It was so sweet.  We have never gotten to hang out outside work before, but she was so empathetic to me and generous.  This is one of the silver linings of this dark cloud—I have seen real kindness in people that has surprised me and warmed my heart.  There are some amazing people in the world.  I hope I can be that thoughtful to others in the future.

At the end of our nice breakfast, however, there was something hard.  A girl from my childbirth class came in and sat in the next booth facing me.  Wearing a front backpack holding her new baby.  I can handle baby encounters sometimes without freaking out, but this really got me.  I told my friend “I need to get out of here” and then fell apart outside.  That girl sat in front of me in class four months ago when we both had big bellies and were full of hope and excitement for our babies coming soon.  I should have a baby the same age as hers, but I don’t.  It’s not fair!  She had a baby and it lived and she gets to take it to restaurants. I’m kind of amazed that most babies do live.  That seems so miraculous to me.  What a contrast to the drastic turn my life took.  It put a spotlight on how empty my arms are without my Luke.  I miss him.


2 thoughts on “Some good and some bad

  1. There’s another lady that I work with who was to be due exactly a month after my due date. I see her frequently during the school year as our rooms are close together. I fear seeing her. I still don’t go to the grocery store. It’s too painful. I’ll go other places, but as soon as I see a baby I break down. I know I’m not ready for baby encounters yet, I just hope one day I won’t be so scared to enter the store.

  2. I’m just going to say it. Walking around as a mom with “empty arms” sucks. Like the struggle of moving on without our children isn’t enough… we also must worry about daily encounters with people who have not had the same misfortune. All I can say is, my heart goes out to you. I have been there. You’re not alone. 😉

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