Ouch

7-14-13

Something happened today that stabbed me right in my wound.  Before my husband Josh, I had a boyfriend for 10 years (from 19 to 29) who I thought I would be with forever.  He was my first love.  I thought we were in a perfect bubble that could never be broken.  He always told me we would get married and have kids.  Then at after about 8-9 years, I started pushing for a ring.  He proposed on Valentine’s day in 2005 and I was so excited.  But soon after our engagement, he started acting strangely and doing new things like not coming home until really late at night (we lived together for the last 5 years of the relationship).  Long story short, I eventually found out he was cheating on me and was utterly heartbroken. I was shocked and betrayed.  He was like a different person. I gave the ring back and he stopped living at the house.  After about 3 months, when he had not moved his belongings out, my new church group helped me pack it all and take it to his grandmother’s house.  After all those years together, we just never spoke again.  I never really had any complete answers for the change in him.  It took me a long time to get over it.

About 4 years ago, I learned that this ex was dating someone who had formerly been a friend of mine.  Not a super close friend, the friend of a friend, but I had been on a trip with her right after we split, had helped her paint her kitchen, and had attended her wedding.  She was actually even one of the women who took me out to dinner and told me they had seen my ex with another woman. Last March, my ex and this friend got engaged.  This was hard to take as he told me when we split that he didn’t know if he wanted to get married or have kids ever. He said he had always thought he wanted a dog and had idealized what having a dog would be like, but then when we got a dog at his urging, it wasn’t how he pictured and he didn’t take care of her like he should.  He was afraid having kids would be like that.  I think being the pressure of being engaged was the catalyst for his drastically changed behavior and our demise.  I wondered if he could actually make it to the alter with someone else.  I figured they would probably not have children if they did marry.  Selfishly, this comforted me somewhat.

Today on FB, I saw that they got married a few months ago.  Unlike in times past, this did not sting me much and I shrugged it off.  These days, that relationship seems lifetimes ago.  Without that split, I wouldn’t have found Josh.  I love Josh so much and he is a good husband.  Josh and I created a life together.  We share this loss of our precious firstborn Luke.

Then I saw more.  My ex and this former friend are having a baby.  It is due any day.  She has a bump in their wedding photos and wrote a post mentioning her 8 months pregnant belly.  This was like a slap in the face.  I did not expect it.  This person who broke my heart years ago partly because he was unsure about having kids will now be holding a baby before me!  It seems so unfair.  I have always wanted kids.  God placed that strong desire in my heart.  It’s hard not to feel resentment over all these people who have babies, especially when they haven’t been wanting one for as long as I have.  I know I’m not supposed to think that way, but sometimes I do.

I have to remind myself that this life is just the blink of an eye and then I will have eternity with Luke.  People with babies on earth aren’t guaranteed that.  If I had to pick, I would choose eternity with my baby over life on earth with him.  But it still hurts right now.

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3 thoughts on “Ouch

  1. Oh, I am so sorry. That sounds awful. I can’t even imagine, well, I kind of can. It truly isn’t fair, though. So many things in this life are not fair. Just know that when you do have your next baby in your arms you aren’t going to take any of it for granted. You are going to savor all of the moments that other people (probably like your ex) struggle through, like sleep deprivation and lugging a car seat everywhere you go and changing diapers. I know you will treasure all of those things like most people won’t, and that is a gift from your baby Luke. He has given his future little brothers and sisters a better Mama. Praying for that baby in your arms to come soon.

  2. Hi cuz,
    I am so sorry about that. Having lived through that time with you and seeing what you have now, you are so much better off and better suited for Josh.

    J didn’t deserve you. You are wonderful and loving and amazing. I cannot wait to see you this weekend!

  3. Feeling resentment of sorts toward people with babys/families doesn’t feel good… but sitting here from a similar position I can tell you it’s normal. And, yes, I’m sure the ex situation stings a little more-but if you’re anything like me that feeling can bubble up when it comes to strangers, famous people in the press, or your very own family and friends. It’s hard to swallow that ridiculously large pill that your heart and soul want nothing more to be a mom-that you were so close to realizing that dream-and it just disappeared within seconds. Watching those around you having what you want so badly can be such a blow to the heart. I’ve never been a jealous person but I now long for what others have so badly that it often brings me to tears no matter where I am. In those times I try to remind myself that I am so lucky to have a wonderful relationship with my husband (which I know others may not be so lucky to say) and that maybe someday we will have the family we dream about. It doesnt change the fact that I want that family with Rylan, today… but it gives me a tiny bit of hope for our future.

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