I had recently been starting to feel a little more “normal”. But now I have been back at work for 5 days and I am finding it to make me go deeper into grief again. All the familiar routines and places I hadn’t seen since before we lost him remind me of being so happy with Luke kicking in my belly.  I spent almost the whole last school year pregnant with him.  It was my first pregnancy and I have never been so excited about anything in my life.  It was the main focus of my mind and heart.  I talked with people about him often, I read about his weekly progress during my lunch, I ate snacks to nourish him each time my students went to recess.  I brought extra water every day to stay hydrated for him.  I had to waddle slower and slower up the ramp to the cafeteria as the year progressed.  I miss all of that so much.   It is so drastically different now, even though I’m in the same place doing familiar routines.  Walking up the ramp without that weight of him in my belly hurts.   Not having anything fun to talk about at lunch hurts.  Not needing a snack at recess time hurts.  I so miss the happy and excited feelings I had last time I was at this job.

I have managed to act normal on the surface when people are around, but the minute I am alone in the day or as soon as I get in my car, I just want to cry.  I miss my Luke so much.  I wish things were different.  I am having trouble feeling hopeful at this moment.  It seems like people miraculously have babies all around me, but that it is something that is out of my reach.  How so many people get pregnant and have live babies amazes me. The principal sent out the weekly bulletin and she wrote about going to a former teacher’s baby shower and how cute her belly was and how excited she is for her.  This was like a knife in my heart and I am so jealous, even though I like this pregnant person and know she had to go through fertility treatments to become pregnant.

How did this happen?  How did this horrible reality become my life?  I just wish I could fast forward to being in a better place and time.

It is not nice, but I sometimes wish one of these many pregnant celebrities would have a stillbirth so that the world would become more aware of this horrible thing and be more sensitive to it.

I’m not sure how Josh is doing.  He hasn’t been talking about it much lately and I haven’t needed him to hold me and let me cry as much. Last night we went to our subdivision’s pool.  I went to swim laps as I usually do and he came in the pool for a short time before getting in the Jacuzzi as he usually does.  There was a young woman with a newborn baby boy sitting with her legs in the Jacuzzi.  I was trying not to look.  Josh went over there and got in.  I watched from the pool as I swam.  I saw him looking at that baby repeatedly.  Then he got out of the Jacuzzi after just a few minutes, way sooner than he usually does.  I tried to ask him about it on the way home and he just said, “It’s over. I don’t want to talk about it.”  I don’t know how to help him and wish I did.  I wish I had been able to deliver him a healthy baby that he could be proud of.


3 thoughts on “Reminders

  1. Us guys are tough to figure out on things like that, because we’re expected to keep up a brave face while we die quietly inside. He’s definitely hurting, or being around the baby would have been “easy” for him.

    Going back just stinks. Has to happen, but it’s awful. My teaching involves discussions with college students, mainly freshmen. I would do my normal riot starting, have a great class that all of us loved, then go home and cry. That’s just how it works at this point. Welcome to normal, I guess. 😦

    That last line really jumped out at me. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It isn’t that you weren’t able. It simply was not going to happen. That’s not your fault, or anybody’s fault.

    Sorry. I think that came off a little strong. Feel free to smack something and pretend it was me. 🙂

  2. Oh I’m so sorry. I wish I could fast forward your life to that better place too. The good thing is that we are promised that God does have amazing blessings for us in the future (including having Luke for eternity.) It is wonderful to have a future hope, but I know how hard it is to still live with our current reality.

    I have also thought that same thing about celebrities. I think a few have actually had stillbirths but haven’t talked about them much. Of course none of them were “major” celebrities so the stories weren’t that big. I think you are doing your part by being honest and writing about your experiences on this blog. You are doing a great job. I am praying that you will be starting to waddle by the time you finish this school year. Praying for you. P.S. You did birth Josh a baby he is proud of, you should ask him 🙂

    • Whether or not it helps, I want you to know that I feel the exact same way-about everything. I look forward to a time when we can share feelings of happiness and excitement-hopefully a time when we can discuss our children (plural) and how they’ve all brought us love-even if one of them is in heaven.

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