Today I got my first uninformed congratulations. I have been feeling like the whole world including people I’ve never spoken to knows my private business, which is uncomfortable, but I knew this would eventually happen. There would be someone on the outskirts who hadn’t heard.
I had already been having an emotional morning. I just felt like crying this morning. And I did in front of 2 of my classroom aides, one being a man who is new this year. I probably scared him. Then everyone left the room to get the kids from the buses and I calmed down. Until the bus driver came in. She said, “Congratulations, you had a baby boy?!”. I managed to get out “He died” before I crumpled. Thankfully, she was sweet and rushed over and hugged me. She felt awful and kept apologizing and saying she had no idea. My hair got stuck in her glasses and pulled them off her face. Her hug and words helped, but it made me cry again. And then my students and all my aides came in and there I was a mess, crying again. It’s embarrassing. I had managed to hold it together for 5 days, at least publicly, but not today. I hope they understand and don’t think I’m crazy. I think my 4 female aides do, but the man is so quiet, I’m worried I may have freaked him out.
This is likely to happen many more times this school year. I hope that people will understand my sorrow and why it’s affecting me so much. I need them to see that it’s worthy of taking time. I want to honor my Luke as a person and not just a lost pregnancy. I can’t ever quite seem to get out what I really want to say about him when I get chances to mention him. It’s not just a hurtful event to get over; it is a precious person who is so loved. He is beautiful and complete and still alive in heaven. He is not just a thing that didn’t come to be. He is my son.