Misplaced Congratulations

Today I got my first uninformed congratulations.  I have been feeling like the whole world including people I’ve never spoken to knows my private business, which is uncomfortable, but I knew this would eventually happen.  There would be someone on the outskirts who hadn’t heard.

I had already been having an emotional morning.  I just felt like crying this morning.  And I did in front of 2 of my classroom aides, one being a man who is new this year.  I probably scared him.  Then everyone left the room to get the kids from the buses and I calmed down.  Until the bus driver came in.  She said, “Congratulations, you had a baby boy?!”.  I managed to get out “He died” before I crumpled.  Thankfully, she was sweet and rushed over and hugged me.  She felt awful and kept apologizing and saying she had no idea.  My hair got stuck in her glasses and pulled them off her face.  Her hug and words helped, but it made me cry again.  And then my students and all my aides came in and there I was a mess, crying again.  It’s embarrassing.  I had managed to hold it together for 5 days, at least publicly, but not today.  I hope they understand and don’t think I’m crazy.  I think my 4 female aides do, but the man is so quiet, I’m worried I may have freaked him out.

This is likely to happen many more times this school year.  I hope that people will understand my sorrow and why it’s affecting me so much.   I need them to see that it’s worthy of taking time.  I want to honor my Luke as a person and not just a lost pregnancy.  I can’t ever quite seem to get out what I really want to say about him when I get chances to mention him.  It’s not just a hurtful event to get over; it is a precious person who is so loved.  He is beautiful and complete and still alive in heaven.  He is not just a thing that didn’t come to be.  He is my son.

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8 thoughts on “Misplaced Congratulations

  1. I’m so sorry! The word congra……makes me cry every single time. I too worry about how people will see me all broken and a mess at school, but I have to remember they don’t know what it’s like. I worry my principal will watch me like a hawk to make sure I’m doing my job, but I also know she will make sure I’m ok.
    Luke is a person, he can be in conversations every day. It helps me to talk about Jacob, although I haven’t come into contact with many school members yet since we haven’t had meetings yet, but I know they’re coming.
    You are grieving, be kind to yourself. Let yourself grieve, it is ok. It is healthy. We are strong because we have the support of God holding us up and carrying us when we can’t. He knows our pain, but he too can grant us happiness. Praying!

  2. It will. It’s hard.
    At our favorite restaurant in town, they were excited for our little Doria, too. The first time we went in, the host noticed that Becky wasn’t pregnant, and asked “La Nina?” We had to say “Muerte.” That kind of brought everyone down.

    Don’t worry. It will definitely happen in all kinds of ways. It’s hard. People mean well, but it’s very difficult. God is still good, and it works out, but it looks hairy along the way.

    Well, that might have helped, or made things worse 🙂

  3. Oh Sara, this is beautiful and heartbreaking. I’m sorry it’s so hard, I wish it was easier. You are so right about grieving Luke being worthy of taking time. I have been feeling frustrated lately and those are just the right words to express my feelings. Our babies deserve to be grieved for who they are, our children. They are not just something we need to get over. You are doing a great job honoring him and mourning him. I’m praying the people around you are gentle and understanding.

  4. Sara, don’t feel bad about crying. I hate crying around others too! In time the random people that didn’t know will disappear. I hope that it does not happen often. Two months after Doria died I was surprised by someone asking about if I left her at home. My first thought was what do I say? Thankfully your aides are there for you! 🙂

  5. I hear ya toots. I’ve had people ask me too… been brought to tears in front of kind strangers who only know that I’m no longer pregnant and who were nice enough to remember and ask about our new baby with a smile. Wish that my reply could include how beautiful he is, rather than was… wish I didn’t have to say that we lost him. Sometimes when I tell people, even if I hold it together, I feel like I’ve scared them or made them uncomfortable. Often feel like I have to manage my feelings and theirs which is hard to carry sometimes. I just try to be happy that they remembered my pregnancy-because in some ways it means they remembered Rylan even if they never saw or met him. That means the world to me because he means the world to me. Just know I’m hugging you from afar the next time someone asks about Luke.

  6. Just had the same thing happen to me yesterday at our friend’s baby’s first birthday party. Her brother didnt hear the news, so he gave us his congrats on the pregnancy. I broke down and we only got to spend 5 minutes at the party. I was so embarrassed…

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