That title is in honor of my new friend Bethany’s son, Liam, who wrote “poop” on her prayer journal 🙂
Life is just not very fun right now. Being back at work is hard. I thought God would give me an easier year of teaching since I am mourning, but all of the new students I’ve gotten this year are very hard. There is lots of yelling, throwing things, saying no, trying to push desks over, and some hitting and kicking. My classroom is a noisy, chaotic place much of the day. I am using all the tactics I know to modify and encourage good behavior, but it’s not working yet. I have 4 classroom aides to help (which is 2 more than normal), but they are also another thing I have to be responsible for, so it’s a double-edged sword. So many people want so many things from me all day. It is wearing on me. I wish I could run away. I was supposed to be taking care of Luke and starting a new speech therapy career now. What happened? I miss the quiet days reading at home, running a few errands here and there and crying freely whenever I needed to.
My principal has been kind, but she is busy. My special education director has not said one word to me about Luke, which makes me resentful and angry about working for her. I would like to send her an email like, “Do you realize that you are pretty much the only person who has not acknowledge our loss in any way?” but I would obviously never really do that. At least I don’t think so. I have found myself to be more outspoken than I used to be.
We are also having some monetary stress. Since I am no longer in school at the moment, having finished my speech language pathology assistant license (which I haven’t gotten to start using yet), there are no more student loans to supplement our income. So, we have to live off of just what we make, which we haven’t done for a couple of years. After we pay all the bills and buy groceries, there’s almost nothing left. Having to pull in the reins tightly on spending is just one other stress. Being able to do little things like have a meal out or buy a new shirt make me feel better. We need a little of that. It would be good to spend a night away now and then. Hopefully I am able to get started seeing some speech clients after school to supplement our income, although that makes for longer days. Or maybe Josh will get a better job.
I sent a link to Luke’s pictures to 19 family members and friends who hadn’t seen them and only 3 have responded so far (in 3 days). I want them all to be excited to see them and to tell me how beautiful he is. It hurts that people maybe “can’t handle” looking at photos of a dead baby or don’t see the beauty in him. Those are the only pictures I have of our precious baby and I think he is so lovely. I love looking at him.
I feel like I am trudging along, dragging a weight behind me that I just want to cut free, but can’t. The only thing I’m really looking forward to is being able to try to conceive in 2 to 3 months (we were told to wait 6 months after a c-section, but may start at 4 or 5 months). I hope working helps time pass more quickly. The last 13 weeks since we lost Luke seem so long. Life seems like it’s in slow motion. Please pray for us to get through this valley and get to a happier place as soon as possible. God, help me to keep a good attitude, trust in your promises, and do my job as if it’s for you and not those around me. Please help me to appreciate each day you’ve provided and to find joys in this hard time.