Work was better this week. All the prayers coming our way have definitely helped, thanks!
I broke last Friday. The first 3 weeks have been rough and I have been holding it together in public mostly, but crying when I get in my car to go home or sometimes at lunch or when the kids are out at recess. After a very rough week, Friday was just over the top with multiple stresses and frustrations. When the new school psychologist stopped me to give me a criticism after she observed my class (and me working my butt off with 4 difficult new students, 3 substitute classroom aides while my aides were at training, and a parent in the classroom making a surprise visit to observe), I just broke. I went to the bathroom and sobbed for a minute and then went to my principal’s office. I told her I didn’t know if I could do this. I asked about switching to a different position at a different school. She listened and then called the special education director and they talked to me on speaker phone. They discussed the issues with me and decided to move one student to another class. They said they would give me support. I feel a little ashamed for being so emotional, but I could not help it and it has improved it a little bit. Josh said “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.” I try not to be a squeaky wheel too much, but I guess I really needed that grease.
There were some other exciting things this last week too. My friend who is the speech therapist who helped me get my SLPA license, introduced me to two kids this week who are her clients that she wants to pass over to me. I see them next week alone at their homes after school and start getting paid for doing speech therapy! It will be good extra income. That would probably have been enough to fix our budget, but then Josh also got a call from a company that he had interviewed with a couple of months ago, asking if he still would like to work there. The guy who interviewed him said he has to fill out another application, but it sounded somewhat certain that he would hire him. It would pay 40-60% more and would likely have benefits, so that would be a huge boost to our budget also. Between those two things, we might actually have enough money to pay all of the over $3000 in hospital and doctor bills and to save for the next baby. And to be able to go out to eat and to take some little trips:) I’m excited and it has improved my overall mental state a little bit to have that hope, but I’m trying not to count the chickens before they hatch;) Please pray for God to keep us on the right paths job wise and for Josh to get this new job if it is right in God’s plan.
I have also been thinking about how thankful I am that I had this loss in the current time and not in past generations. It was very different just 1 or 2 generations ago. I have read about it in books and heard it from people personally. It makes me very sad to hear about all those moms having no support in such a hard loss. Someone at work just told me that their mom lost 3 babies out of 9 she had. I asked what happened and she said didn’t know because she never would talk about it. My high school best friend’s mom lost a baby between her and her sister and she said her mom never talked about it, but that her dad always brought her flowers on a certain date in October. I have heard so many stories of other losses, which is so helpful, but also so sad, especially those ones that just got glossed over or stuffed down.
This week, I was getting a lunch from the school cafeteria (I do this once or twice a week if I forget a lunch from home or they are serving something decent–they always have a good salad bar with lots of fresh veggies and fruit) and the head cafeteria lady stopped me as she was handing me my tray over the counter to tell me that she had lost a baby too. She said when it happened, she just wanted her mommy, so she went home to Spain for the summer, and when she came back, she got pregnant with her daughter. She wanted to tell me that she went on to have healthy children, that every pregnancy was different and that I would have more babies. It was very kind. I have not seen her to be a very emotive person and she has a reputation among the staff for being kind of a tyrant and difficult, so for her to share such a tender thing was extra special. I think that makes 4 (1 of those 4 has not talked to me about I; I just heard it from my principal) people just at my elementary school who have lost babies late in pregnancy or after birth, not to mention how many miscarriages there surely are. One of my new classroom aides, a woman in her 60’s, had twin boys her 1st pregnancy and they lived 52 and 55 days only because they were born prematurely at 6.5 months. There are just so many stories! I am thankful that God placed me in this current time where most hospitals encourage families to hold their babies and give them mementos and not in the days when they just took the baby away quickly and encouraged you to forget it. Obviously there is still too much taboo attached to stillbirth and death and I am still frustrated about people not looking at Luke’s pictures or at least not saying anything to me about them if they did, but at least it is better now than it was for our mother’s and grandmother’s generation. Thanks, God.
Lastly, a bunch of my cousins sent me this necklace this week. I have enjoyed wearing something to my honor my Luke all week.