I am happy it’s September. I’m glad each day/week/month that time marches on, closer to hopefully brighter days. It has been 16 weeks since we lost Luke. For some reason I had 16 weeks in my head as being sort of significant, but I’m not sure why. It’s only been a little over 3 months in the countdown to being “allowed” to try to conceive though. At least 6 weeks more to go (we will likely start trying at 5 months out, right around our 3rd wedding anniversary) and I hope they go quickly. I have a 40th birthday party for a friend and a wedding reception to go to during the next 6 weeks, so I’m trying to be thankful that I can have adult beverages at those events, since we won’t be trying yet. But I’m looking forward to giving those up in preparation for another baby. I’ve stayed off caffeine since I was already off of it for Luke and have slept the last 2 nights without taking the over-the-counter sleeping pill I had been taking. I’m still taking my prenatals to help my body heal and get ready. Just need time to pass now.
Work has gotten better. After the first few weeks of facing everyone for the first time and all the reminders of my last year there pregnant with Luke, it has returned to the more normal daily grind. Mostly. There will always be some reminders. There are 2 newly pregnant ladies at work and those announcements made me gulp down a lump in my throat a little bit, although I am happy for them. There are plenty of the usual teaching stressors including the difficult new students and the chaos and noise of special education, but it’s gotten easier and I’m thankful. I think I can make the whole school year at this point. Only 33.5 more weeks.
There was a hard thing today. My classroom aides and I are attending a 5-week Love and Logic training during our professional development period on Wednesdays. It is usually a training for parents, but they are gearing it toward the classroom. There is lots of talk about parenting skills and techniques, which is hard, but I’m trying to just think of it as preparation for future children, as well as applying it to my students. At the start of the session, the speaker had us all go around and state where we work and the most important thing in our life. Every single person except for me said their kids or grandkids. I was sitting there listening, trying to think of what to say when it came to be my turn, and trying to swallow the lump in my throat as I was thinking about not being able to say “the most important thing in my life is my 15-week-old baby Luke”. I ended up just going with the safe answer that my husband is the most important thing. He is so important, but after more thought, I wished I’d said “God and my husband”. That would be the more truthful, more brave answer. I wish I could say my baby, but I usually can’t talk about him without crying and how do I state my truth to total strangers without it being awkward? It made me sad for the rest of the day.
There is some good news. Today my husband got offered that job that we’ve been hoping would really come through (thank you, Lord!). There is a little more red tape before the deal is fully sealed, but the offer was presented. This will be huge for us as it will not only increase our income significantly, but it will also likely get Josh benefits finally, which he hasn’t had the whole almost 7 years I’ve known him. They might even be good enough benefits that I could be on them if I chose not to teach next year. I’m hoping next year might get to be like I had pictured this year being, before everything crashed: a new baby to care for, a new career path with more freedom and less hours, and a busy, happy home. It’s all up to you, God, but I hope your plan includes these things.