Josh just told me that he had a dream last night that my ex showed up and wanted our dog. I got this dog with my ex and he was the one who actually wanted to get a dog. I was just buying my first house and didn’t feel ready to add another responsibility right then. We were 24. But I gave in. We went to an aquaintence’s house and picked her out. The puppies were 8 weeks old. He wanted a white puppy, but that one was a toe biter. I wanted the golden runt with the biggest pot belly. She was so cute. We named her Ida Mae. She was so small she couldn’t get over the one-brick-high ring in the flower bed. She has been the best dog. She was wild when she was younger, but now she is 13 and much more mellow. She once ate a whole berry pie (that was for my mom for Mother’s day) on our one nice rug. The big purple stain never came out. Now she snuggles with us and lays around a lot, but she gets so happy and energetic when you get her leash out. You would never think she is an old lady when you take her for a walk. She practically dances the whole way.
When my ex and I were splitting up at the end of our 10 years together, he did not mention anything about the dog we had shared for 5 years. It was just assumed she was mine. He had never really taken care of her, although he did show her affection. Our split was a weird confusing mess with very little explanation from him as to why he was suddenly behaving so differently. He couldn’t say why he wasn’t sure about marrying me after having proposed only 2 months before. That’s another long story, but one of the things he did say was that he was not sure about having kids. This was a problem because I for sure wanted them. He said he had always thought he wanted a dog and that as a kid he had this record album with a dog on the cover that he idealized. Then we got Ida and he didn’t really take care of her or enjoy her like he thought he would. He was afraid having kids might be like that.
So, what Josh dreamed last night will never happen. My ex and I haven’t spoken for 8.5 years years. I doubt he misses Ida much. But, what Josh telling me about this dream did bring up for me again is how unfair it is that this ex just had a baby. He married a former casual friend of mine in March and they had a baby at the start of August. Not only a living baby, but a boy. Just like we had, but lost. This is so hard for me. Why, God, does this person get a living baby boy when ours was taken? He wasn’t even sure he wanted one! I have wanted one for as long as I can remember. It is partly his fault that I am so old when I finally get to have a baby (although I know I made the choice to stay with him so long). He told me for years we were going to get married and have kids and then he broke my heart instead. It is not fair. It makes me angry and sad. I think things like “I hope they gave him a stupid name” because that would be a slight comfort to me. It makes me feel mean. This is just one more thing that I am struggling with being like God on. I know I am not supposed to envy what anyone else has. I know that I am supposed to forgive him for how much he hurt me. If I were being like Jesus, I would be happy that he appears to be making better choices in his life. Instead, I’m just angry that he got what I so badly wanted when there is no way he “deserved” it more. I need your help to heal my heart and help me have better thoughts on this one, God. I am thankful for this good dog that I have to comfort me. I’m so blessed to have my husband who has been a way better “dad” to my dog than her original dad ever was. He’s a good dad to Luke and he will be a good dad to our future babies. (But don’t tell him I posted this picture!)