That was a question in the sermon at church today. It inspired me to write about something that I have been meaning to write about for quite awhile. It is probably the most powerful moment I have shared with God on this journey and I know it was Him revealing Himself to me.
The pastor told a story about a woman who lost her daughter. Her daughter was a college student, so it is not the same as our story, but it still resonated with me. Any loss of a child does. The woman was broken and angry. One day, she went out to the woods and was yelling and railing in anger at God. She was asking Him why He took her daughter away. She was furious that she could not see her daughter and begged to see her again and to hear her laugh. She looked up and a doe was nearby, watching her. It scratched it’s chest with it’s head and met her eyes. It got her to pause long enough to stop yelling. Then she heard a clear thought in her head that said, “You will see her again.” It was God speaking to Her. It was all I could do not to sob loudly in the middle of the sanctuary as I heard this story. Tears rolled from my eyes and I made at least one squeak, trying to hold it in and not make a spectacle. Although I already know that I will see my Luke again, I cannot be told that enough.
On the second day we were home from the hospital after Luke’s birth, I was feeling deep despair. I felt really dark. It was like I had fallen into a bottomless black pit and I couldn’t see any light at the top. I didn’t see how I was ever going to feel better or have any joy again. It felt like way more than I could handle. I had never felt that bad before. I needed it to stop.
I didn’t know what to do except to go to God. Josh had already held me and tried to comfort me. I grabbed my Bible and went to the front of the house to one of the guest rooms. I sobbed and cried out to God. I don’t even really remember what I was praying except that I was asking Him if I was ever going to be okay or happy again. I needed Him to tell me that I wouldn’t feel that horrible forever. I asked Him to give me a verse. I have done this before in my life a few times and it has not really worked. This time it did. It was crystal clear that He was answering me and I felt His love. I turned immediately to Ecclesiastes 3. I read:
- “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
- a time to be born and a time to die,
- a time to plan and a time to uproot,
- a time to kill and a time to heal,
- a time to tear down and a time to build,
- a time to weep and a time to laugh,
- a time to mourn and a time to dance.” –Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
Right then, I was in the time for dying, weeping, tearing down and mourning. My heart was broken and it physically hurt. I felt crushed underneath my sorrow. But I knew He was telling me that a time would come for being born, healing, building, laughing and even dancing. He was answering me with what I needed to hear—that I would not be in the bottom of that pit forever. He lifted me out. I have not fallen all the way to the bottom of it again. I have caught on higher ledges where I hurt and it’s dark, but from where I can still see light at the top. He is carrying me. At 4 months out, I would not say I am doing any dancing yet, but I do feel like I’m in the time of healing and possibly building.
I put that verse, among others, on a notecard on my bathroom mirror. When I feel particularly down, it helps me to read about the better times to come. Life ebbs and flows, but nothing lasts forever. I am quickly learning that this life is so much harder than I knew, but I am never alone. There will be beautiful times even on this broken earth, as well as the guaranteed better-than-I-can-even-imagine eternity in heaven with my Luke.