I’m invited to a baby shower that starts in 2 hours. It is for my hairstylist, whom I love. I want to go to celebrate with her because I am genuinely happy for her that she is having a baby. She was worried for a while that they weren’t going to be able to get pregnant. She and I were on similar timelines with getting engaged, married and then having a baby, with her following about 6 months behind me on each. But obviously, I detoured off the road to baby. She is due in a month.
I had totally planned on going to this shower. I wanted to go. I pictured myself there, just being strong and smiling for her. I thought I could handle it. I normally love any kind of shower—the fun girlyness, the snacks, the cake, the oohing and ahhing over cute presents, the comaraderie with other women. But the closer it’s gotten, the less sure I’ve felt. She told me, you just wait until that day and if you feel up to it, you are welcome. If you don’t, it’s totally okay. I expressed concern that my presence and my black cloud of loss might put a damper on her day and she kindly said she was not even worried about that, she just wanted to make sure I would feel okay. She even said she would tell her hosts herself that I may or may not come, so that I didn’t have to call to RSVP. She was very understanding. She has been very compassionate about Luke. So, I don’t have to go, but her kindness made me want to go even more.
I couldn’t decide what I should do so I decided I would look at her baby registry to see if that would give me a clue as to how I would feel at the shower. It made me sad. She has registered for several of the same items I did—the same green polka-dotted crib sheet, the same boppy cover, the same baby safety and healthcare kit… She hasn’t found out the sex of her baby, but she registered for a couple of boy outfits. She didn’t register for any girl outfits. I have a harder time with boys and secretly wish for people to have girls so that I can be around them more easily. So, that scared me. I hate these feelings. I don’t want to be the sad girl who can’t go to a baby shower. I don’t want to not be able to do things I would normally joyfully do. I don’t like seeing a FB post announcing that my best friend from high school is pregnant with her 6th child (she lost 1 to miscarriage and has 4 on earth) and feeling it ping my heart (even though she was thoughtful enough to also write me a private message about the news, letting me know she was thinking about how it might affect me and telling me she does not take any pregnancy lightly or for granted).
But this is where I’m at. I do feel pain where I used to feel only joy. It’s all mixed in. I trust that God will heal me and I will not always be in this place. Maybe by the time my sweet hairstylist has a second baby, I will be able to go. Maybe I will have my own baby on earth by then. That would be wonderful, but sometimes I’m scared to even hope too much or look too far ahead. It feels like a lot to just be making it through daily life keeping up with responsibilities and having some fun moments. One day at a time. God says He will restore and give renewed hope. I don’t have to do it myself.