Halloween Stinks

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I had read and heard repeatedly that holidays make grief stronger and harder.  I didn’t think Halloween would be a very big deal, but I’m finding it to be hard.  What I hadn’t really thought about beforehand is that Halloween is a holiday all about kids.  So duh! Of course that will be hard!  So many reminders of what is not here with me.

I have been crying more all week.  Everyone at school is in costumes and smiling and laughing.  I am thinking of the froggie costume I had for Luke hanging in the closet, unworn.  The tears just keep coming.  It probably was too big for the first year, but I would’ve had fun finding something for him to wear.  This day would be so different if he were here.  My first Halloween with a child of my own.

My principal showed me pictures of her grandbaby in his elephant costume, smiling with candy wrappers strewn about him.  I wondered how she could not be aware that that might make me sad, but I just smiled and didn’t let on to the pain I was feeling.  Maybe because I behave normally most of the time, people think I am over it.  Maybe they forget the loss.

On Tuesday, I worked at the Fall Festival at school.  I was assigned to supervise the dance.  I thought that would be fine; I’m around school-age kids every day.  But someone’s little brother came.  He was probably about 2 and was in a batman costume.  He was out in the middle of the dance floor by himself, just spinning in circles.  So cute.  I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him.  I wondered what Luke would be like at a school dance.

Today, I’m supposed to be celebrating Halloween with my students and being happy and cheery. I’m not. Many other teachers are in costume.  I am just in orange and black.  I feel like a black cloud in the midst of a bunch of happy sunshines.  I cried before school.  I barely contained the lump in my throat during calendar time.  I cried during morning recess and lunch.  One of my aides was talking about holidays with the class and said, “Mrs. Hopper, what’s your favorite holiday?”.  I said, “I don’t really like any of them right now”.  I kind of wanted a little acknowledgment of Luke or maybe sympathy.  She laughed.  I thought, “it’s really not funny”.  I usually LOVE holidays.  I am just not myself right now.  I hope I will be again eventually.

I was planning to take a pregnancy test on Saturday.  We started trying this month at 5 months out.  I was pretty excited about testing.  I thought I really might be pregnant and was thinking I was having some symptoms.  I got my period Tuesday, earlier than I expected, so I have no need to take a test.  Please pray for God’s perfect timing in conceiving our next baby, my patience in waiting on that timing, and that I will get to keep that baby on earth.

I hope your Halloween is going better than mine, blog friends!  Thanks for all of your kind support and comments.  I read and treasure them all.

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5 thoughts on “Halloween Stinks

  1. I’m sorry this day has been so painful for you. I never thought about the fact that this is the one holiday that is only for children. That does make it extra painful. I can’t even bring myself to celebrate it with my own children this year, which is horrible I know. All day this verse has ben coming to mind Proverbs 25:20 Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart. Holidays are celebrations and obviously, we aren’t in a celebratory place in our lives. It does feel like salt in the wound. Praying for you, friend!

  2. Yeah, it’s been an awful evening here too. Tiny and adorably cute babies in costumes every where, and a lady who stole my idea of painting her bump to look like a pumpkin. I was going to do that. And this is just the start of the ‘he should have been here’ holiday season. I’m glad we all have each other at least, I don’t think even our men get how heart breaking this is.

  3. Praying for you friend. I just wrote a post about Halloween, and then stopped in to visit your blog and read this. I am getting to the point too where I feel frustrated, like everyone is moving on or forgetting. No one even mentioned Halloween or asked if I was okay. They don’t even realize it would be a big deal.

  4. Sorry it was a rough day cousin 😦 I am praying for you and that baby that god is going to give you guys. I love you so much!

  5. I definitely struggle with every day life and social encounters. I get tired and resentful for having to act the part of the normal, functioning adult. I feel as though people truly think I’m ok and that I’m “getting over” my loss – as if I’d ever even want to “get over” my sweet baby – other times it seems that they just don’t want to feel uncomfortable so not acknowledging my loss is easier – for them. To others it may seem like it’s been a long time and that we should be moving on. To me, I relive the pain of losing my son multiple times a day. No matter what the circumstance I often feel offended by the actions of others. Hurt, mostly. I’ve also had experiences where people share their happy family photos and it feels SO insensitive – I wonder, “how can they be so clueless?” I, again, feel so resentful – that in order to spare their feelings I smile and politely listen to their stories or comment on how cute their little one is. All the while they are not considering my feelings – they have no idea what it takes to hold back the tears and how much it hurts to think “that should be/could be me with my son.” It’s like a stab in the heart. Sorry to get off on a tangent. I just want you to know that I’m with you completely. I understand. I feel your pain and share your heartache. I hope that you find a silver lining – that you and your husband get pregnant soon – and that you discover a renewed hope in a future bundle of joy. Sending you hugs from afar.

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