I had read and heard repeatedly that holidays make grief stronger and harder. I didn’t think Halloween would be a very big deal, but I’m finding it to be hard. What I hadn’t really thought about beforehand is that Halloween is a holiday all about kids. So duh! Of course that will be hard! So many reminders of what is not here with me.
I have been crying more all week. Everyone at school is in costumes and smiling and laughing. I am thinking of the froggie costume I had for Luke hanging in the closet, unworn. The tears just keep coming. It probably was too big for the first year, but I would’ve had fun finding something for him to wear. This day would be so different if he were here. My first Halloween with a child of my own.
My principal showed me pictures of her grandbaby in his elephant costume, smiling with candy wrappers strewn about him. I wondered how she could not be aware that that might make me sad, but I just smiled and didn’t let on to the pain I was feeling. Maybe because I behave normally most of the time, people think I am over it. Maybe they forget the loss.
On Tuesday, I worked at the Fall Festival at school. I was assigned to supervise the dance. I thought that would be fine; I’m around school-age kids every day. But someone’s little brother came. He was probably about 2 and was in a batman costume. He was out in the middle of the dance floor by himself, just spinning in circles. So cute. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him. I wondered what Luke would be like at a school dance.
Today, I’m supposed to be celebrating Halloween with my students and being happy and cheery. I’m not. Many other teachers are in costume. I am just in orange and black. I feel like a black cloud in the midst of a bunch of happy sunshines. I cried before school. I barely contained the lump in my throat during calendar time. I cried during morning recess and lunch. One of my aides was talking about holidays with the class and said, “Mrs. Hopper, what’s your favorite holiday?”. I said, “I don’t really like any of them right now”. I kind of wanted a little acknowledgment of Luke or maybe sympathy. She laughed. I thought, “it’s really not funny”. I usually LOVE holidays. I am just not myself right now. I hope I will be again eventually.
I was planning to take a pregnancy test on Saturday. We started trying this month at 5 months out. I was pretty excited about testing. I thought I really might be pregnant and was thinking I was having some symptoms. I got my period Tuesday, earlier than I expected, so I have no need to take a test. Please pray for God’s perfect timing in conceiving our next baby, my patience in waiting on that timing, and that I will get to keep that baby on earth.
I hope your Halloween is going better than mine, blog friends! Thanks for all of your kind support and comments. I read and treasure them all.