I got this very thoughtful present from Bethany. It is so perfect to honor my Luke this Christmas. When I showed it to my mom, she started crying. She doesn’t cry often (unlike me, I am a big crier, even before this loss). She said, “Not much makes me cry, but that makes me sad.” Not that we don’t rejoice that he is in heaven because we do. She then talked about my grandma (her mom) enjoying Luke in heaven and being with him. That is always nice to think about. I love my grandma and she was excited for me to have babies. She had 7 herself. She even left me a baby quilt when she died, for a girl. It has paper dolls all over it and real fabric clothes you can put on the dolls. I hope I get to use it as well as the froggie quilt my mom made that we decorated Luke’s nursery around. I really enjoyed having a tearful moment with my mom. We talk about Luke often, but I’m usually the only one crying. This new thing happens to me where I try to hold in the sobs, but it sneaks out in squeaks, actual high-pitched breaks in my speech.
After church today, a girl I’m becoming friendly with stopped to say hi with her 18 month old son. He is very cute. They were also at a Pampered Chef party I went to on Friday and I couldn’t help watching him toddle around and explore. He seems to be a very agreeable baby and didn’t cry or cause any trouble the whole night. When she fed him spoonfuls of soup, he kind of danced by moving his body up and down. It was adorable. I joked to the pastor’s wife (who made a point to sit by me, I think maybe she’s looking after me a little extra which is very kind), “I’d like to order one like that.” Today his mom asked him, “Can you say ‘hi’ to Sara?”. He waved hi by opening and closing his little fist and then he grabbed my Luke necklace. I said, “Do you like my necklace?” and his mom told him “That necklace is for Luke….He would have been your playmate.” Although that truth pierced my heart and made me instantly tear up, I was happy for the acknowledgement of him and the chance to hear his name. Then she added, “Maybe the next one.” I said that I hope so.
We’re only on month two of trying again, but I can’t help but hope so hard each time. I’m almost afraid to even talk about it, I want it so much. Please pray for God to prepare my heart for whatever His perfect timing and plan is. I know it won’t take away the pain of not having Luke and no one can replace him, but I long for a baby with all of my being.