Do you know that teacher who lost her baby?

On Friday night, my church had a Women’s Christmas dinner.  My mom and I were “table hosts” which just meant that we decorated our table, got there a little early to fill the coffee carafe and water pitcher, and facilitated a conversation with those who sat with us.  As people were arriving, I noticed a lady who substitute teaches at my school approaching.  She does not have a good reputation at school.  In fact, I was told by the school secretary that she would not be allowed to sub at our school beyond the current month due to complaints.  She also weirds me out because she always seeks out my dad, which I’m not used to strange women doing.  She hugs him and tells him her problems. Even though I am frequently with him when they speak, she doesn’t know who I am.  I tried to say “Hi! You go to my church!” once when I ran into her at school, but she ignored me. So, as she came toward our table, I thought, “Oh no!  Please don’t let her sit at our table.”  Then I immediately felt a check in my spirit and was reminded that we are supposed to love others, especially our brothers and sisters in Christ.  She chose our table to sit at.  I attempted to be friendly. 

As we were introducing people who did not know each other, I told her that I thought she sometimes worked at my school and had even sub’ed for me when I was out.  She looked confused and asked me my name.  She peered skeptically at my name tag.  Then she asked, “Do you know that teacher who lost her baby?”.  I said, “That’s me”.  She seemed unphased and continued on asking questions about which class I taught and who my aides are.  Then she said again, “So, did you hear about that teacher who lost her baby? I sub for her alot”.  Again I said, “That’s me”.  This time she heard me.  She gasped and apologized awkwardly.  I wondered what the ladies sitting between us were thinking or if they even heard.  It was awful.

I hate being “that person”, the one everyone feels sorry for, “that teacher who lost her baby”.  It makes me feel embarrassed, although it shouldn’t.  I wish it wasn’t me this happened to.  It’s very disconcerting to learn that strangers know about our loss.  I hate thinking of people talking about it and what they might say.  I don’t want that to be my identity. But on the other hand, I almost do.  Maybe that would put some little buffers around me that could be helpful.  I’m sure in future years, this will become more like one piece of my puzzle and less of a flashing neon sign.  I guess I’m not sure if that makes me happy or sad.  I don’t want my Luke to be forgotten or to be less important, but I don’t want to be the freak forever either. 

At least I know God doesn’t view me that way.  His opinion counts the most. He says we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”.  He knows every moment of our lives before they occur.  He knows if Josh and I will get a rainbow baby for Christmas as I am praying or if we will get another baby at all.  And whatever it will be, it WILL be what is best.  It may not feel like the best at the moment or even in this lifetime, but it will be in the big picture that we will finally get to see when we get to heaven ourselves.



12 thoughts on “Do you know that teacher who lost her baby?

  1. Many tears fell as I read this. I am so sorry this happened to you. You are so strong. I’m sure that if someone said that to me, I would have lost control and bawled. I would have had to leave the gathering because my mascara would have been all over my face.

    Also, you are so strong for continuing to teach and be there for your students. I admire you for that. I’m still struggling with it.

    Sometimes I wonder if people know how much pain we were in and still are in, they would view us less as freaks but as wounded soldiers. I still feel like a freak in my small town. People avoid me. Sometimes I feel like they think they can ‘catch’ what happened to me.

    I love the way you ended. Only He knows our hearts. Thinking of you and praying for you ❤

    • Maybeline Falsies mascara in waterproof. It doesn’t budge and looks awesome even when you’ve been crying for 24 hours straight.

      I am ‘that lady’ at my church – thankfully most people have embraced it though, even the teens I used to lead in the kids’ ministry. I dunno, I prefer it to people forgetting about my son.

      I feel it more with acquaintances, I’m such the pregnancy police now, and I can see them wondering why I’m so hyper about their colds, and then I can see it clicking…

  2. Ugh. I’m sorry that she said that. So horrible. I know what you mean about other people talking. I was talking to someone today that I met just recently at our (very large) Mom’s group. Her younger son is almost the same age as my oldest,and when I asked when his birthday was she said “Same as Noah’s.”. It totally threw me for a loop. It’s weird to think about strangers knowing such intimate things about our lives.

  3. I agree completely. It’s hard to be “the one” that everyone shys from when they talk about other moms and new babies in fear that they will upset us. Yes it does hurt, but it hurts worse to never be talked to about things like that. I haven’t had the same thing happen, and I have no idea how I would react, but from what I can tell you handled that situation a lot better than I would have. I pray that in situations like that, I can have the strength to understand others and their desire to question and ask. Praying for you with baby dust!

  4. No, Sara! I was eating dinner when I read the title of your post and I just lost my appetite! Horrible! What a dumb dumb. I know that feeling of being the person every one is glad they are not (although no one has ever gone quite THAT far.) Every time I go to church I feel that awkwardness when people look at me. Sometimes I get angry when people treat me differently and other times I get angry when people act like nothing happened. It is hard to live without your baby. I hope this is the last month that lady subs at your school.

  5. I’m so sorry to hear about this, Sara. Tonight is a night when I don’t even have any words. For this horrible situation you endured, for what we are going through, for the fears of the future. Any of it. Hugs friend!

  6. Hi Sara, I am so sorry you had to endure the insensitive words from others. I had a woman whom I told that I lost my little girl and she said, “what did you do wrong”? It was a stab to my heart. I will continue to pray for you and your strength and I hope that you get your Christmas gift too. 😉

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