Ultrasound was good, baby is fine

The ultrasound was fine yesterday.  Josh came with me and saw this baby for the first time.  When we walked in, the ultrasound tech said, “So the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat with the Doppler?  and I said yes.  She said, “That’s normal.”  I asked, “It is?” and she said “Yes. The doctor didn’t tell you that?” .  I said, “She was very reassuring” although she didn’t say exactly that.  Hearing it was normal was very helpful.  I wrote about this on a group for people expecting August rainbow babies on babycenter.com too and several people responded that they couldn’t hear the heartbeat through the Doppler at 10, 12, 14 weeks even though they are thin.  That helped also.  I’m not a weirdo (well, at least not on this 😉 ).  But the tension didn’t really release until I saw the baby moving and heard the heartbeat, which we did, loud and clear at 176.

The baby is measuring on track and he or she really looks like a baby now:)  All the parts are already in place, which is amazing to me.  What God has created is so intricate and astounding.  How those few cells develop into a full tiny human so quickly is beyond me.  God is awesome.  How could anyone say such a perfect, fully-formed baby is anything less than an important life?  It’s not a “fetus” or “tissue” or an “early loss” to me, or even just a miscarriage.  It’s clearly a perfectly-designed person.

The baby had a hand to it’s face and was a little curled up.  When she turned on the volume so we could hear the heartbeat, it made a huge leap like we had startled it.  It looked beautiful to me.  I was so relieved and happy.  We got a good look at the little hands, legs and the cute round tummy.

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Josh asked about seeing the sex as I had told him others have found it out this early, but she said they all kind of look like boys at this stage due to hormones causing swelling in girl parts.  She said she had thought her niece’s baby was a boy at weeks 12, 13, 14 and then all of a sudden at week 15, it was clearly a girl.  She did point out a small lumpish area that she said looks like a boy at this stage (it didn’t look like much to me except a white line that wasn’t much protruding).  She said they will do an anatomy scan at 20 weeks to find out the sex.  So, unless I end up getting more ultrasounds in the next 2 months, we won’t find out the sex until around Easter.  That could be fun though–a family announcement when everyone is over for Easter with balloons or a cake with the color inside…

She did also look at the nuchal chord/the back of the neck.  She said it does not look thick, so no chromosomal disorders are indicated at this point.

Thank you for the prayers and kind words.  About 1/3 of the way there.

A Scare

I had an OB appointment yesterday.  This time, I felt calm and happy.  We talked and then she said, “Okay, let’s hear that baby!”  She got out the doppler to try for the first time.  She didn’t try for very long (knowing my anxiety), but did not find the heartbeat.  I wasn’t panicking yet.  I know it’s pretty early and I have that “extra tissue”/fat plus c-section scarring.  The nurse had warned me it might be hard to hear early on.  My OB opened the door and yelled, “Bring me Max please!” I said, “You have names for them?”  She said, (she has a deadpan sense of humor which I really enjoy) “Max is a guy who works at New Frontiers across the street and I want him to bring me some lunch.”  I laughed.   A nurse brought in a rolling/portable ultrasound.  She said she hates that ultrasound because the quality is not good and the picture is grainy, but put it to use.  It took a minute to find the baby and at first it was still  (a few seconds probably, but time was starting to feel long).  I began to feel panic creep in, but then we saw the baby bouncing up and down and wiggling.  She zero’ed in closer and pointed out a little flicker that she thinks is the heart.  It looked like the heart to me too.  She brought up the sound waves screen (it wasn’t an audible ultrasound so no noise, just visuals) and pointed out where the heartbeats were, although I didn’t quite understand that part.  I still needed to ask, “It’s alive?” She said, “You saw it moving, right?” and I said yes, but that I just needed to hear her say it.  She said yes, it’s alive and “dead babies don’t jump” (which for some reason makes me think of that movie title “White Men Can’t Jump” which is totally inappropriate but maybe could be funny someday). 
 
She said she wanted me to come in the next day to use the real ultrasound and get some better pictures.  The ultrasound room was full yesterday, so I couldn’t go in then.  I think she just wants this for my own reassurance, but I’m not totally certain.  I go back today at 4:00.  Josh is hopefully going to get off work early enough to go with me this time.  He has not been to any appointments with this baby yet.

I was a little frazzled when I left, but remained pretty calm and didn’t cry yesterday.  I talked to my sister and Josh about it and they were reassuring.  But this morning as I lay on the bed with the dog waking up, I started sobbing. (The dog got up and left me, so rude!)  I came to work and started crying again.  I have been feeling anxious and this day can’t go fast enough.  Only about 3 more hours now.  I would love prayers please.

On a positive note, I’m not going to have a first trimester/nuchal chord translucency screen (that looks for evidence of Down Syndrome and other chromosonal disorders, not something I had with Luke) which I had scheduled for next week because my insurance won’t cover “any genetic or chromosonal disorder testing” and it’s about $400.  My OB wrote down for her ultrasound tech to give the nuchal chord a quick check while I’m there today.  So, that will be nice to check off.  Also, I have a small hope that maybe we could find out the sex today, even though it’s early. 

I will report back with what happens.  Thanks for caring, friends.

P.S.  The parents bringing the newborn baby boy were a no show/no call this morning.  I was so relieved as I don’t think I could’ve handled that today.

Can we bring our new baby for show and tell?

That is the question I got from a parent of one of my students a couple days ago.  They have a week-old baby boy and they want to bring him for their son’s show and tell time in my classroom tomorrow.  I didn’t know how to answer, so I said, “Ummmm” a lot before asking weren’t they concerned about the high level of germs at a school?  They said no, he’s already been out so if he was going to get something, he’d already have it.  I finally said I had to check with the office and asked if I could get back to them.  I felt frustrated and hurt that they didn’t realize this might be hard for me. (Since I teach a K-3rd special education class, I have students for multiple years.  Their son was in my class last year and they know about Luke. They had sent me a gift for him and we had exchanged one email about his loss.)   It has been 9 months now since Luke was born, so I feel less sensitive about this than I did earlier on in the grief process, but I still have yet to be close to a brand new baby. I thought about it awhile and discussed it with my mom, my aides and the front office staff.  None of them realized until I pointed it out that it might be hard for me emotionally.  Everyone seemed to think it was a little funny and maybe not what they’d choose to do with their own baby, but fine.  

I decided I couldn’t really justify saying no.  I called the parents back to say that they could bring the baby.  After a brief discussion, the mom said, “Are you sure YOU’RE okay with it?” to which I finally got to acknowledge that I’m not sure if I am.  I told her I thought I might be able to handle it, but that if I couldn’t, I would just leave the room.  I found myself thinking about it alot while trying to go to sleep last night.  I guess I could use some prayers in handling this tomorrow morning please. 

I can’t help but feel some of my old human feelings creep in, like why do these people who already have 3 kids with special needs and live on government assistance get another baby when I couldn’t even get my first one?  Why do Josh and I, who both work more than full-time, have an over $3000 hospital bill (our 20% after insurance) that we are paying on and these people get baby after baby at zero cost to them because they are on state insurance?  Arg.  It is a consistent struggle against seeing things as “unfair” that are not mine to judge or understand.  Lord, help give me your eyes and your perspective.  I know we have so much to be thankful for.