A Scare

I had an OB appointment yesterday.  This time, I felt calm and happy.  We talked and then she said, “Okay, let’s hear that baby!”  She got out the doppler to try for the first time.  She didn’t try for very long (knowing my anxiety), but did not find the heartbeat.  I wasn’t panicking yet.  I know it’s pretty early and I have that “extra tissue”/fat plus c-section scarring.  The nurse had warned me it might be hard to hear early on.  My OB opened the door and yelled, “Bring me Max please!” I said, “You have names for them?”  She said, (she has a deadpan sense of humor which I really enjoy) “Max is a guy who works at New Frontiers across the street and I want him to bring me some lunch.”  I laughed.   A nurse brought in a rolling/portable ultrasound.  She said she hates that ultrasound because the quality is not good and the picture is grainy, but put it to use.  It took a minute to find the baby and at first it was still  (a few seconds probably, but time was starting to feel long).  I began to feel panic creep in, but then we saw the baby bouncing up and down and wiggling.  She zero’ed in closer and pointed out a little flicker that she thinks is the heart.  It looked like the heart to me too.  She brought up the sound waves screen (it wasn’t an audible ultrasound so no noise, just visuals) and pointed out where the heartbeats were, although I didn’t quite understand that part.  I still needed to ask, “It’s alive?” She said, “You saw it moving, right?” and I said yes, but that I just needed to hear her say it.  She said yes, it’s alive and “dead babies don’t jump” (which for some reason makes me think of that movie title “White Men Can’t Jump” which is totally inappropriate but maybe could be funny someday). 
 
She said she wanted me to come in the next day to use the real ultrasound and get some better pictures.  The ultrasound room was full yesterday, so I couldn’t go in then.  I think she just wants this for my own reassurance, but I’m not totally certain.  I go back today at 4:00.  Josh is hopefully going to get off work early enough to go with me this time.  He has not been to any appointments with this baby yet.

I was a little frazzled when I left, but remained pretty calm and didn’t cry yesterday.  I talked to my sister and Josh about it and they were reassuring.  But this morning as I lay on the bed with the dog waking up, I started sobbing. (The dog got up and left me, so rude!)  I came to work and started crying again.  I have been feeling anxious and this day can’t go fast enough.  Only about 3 more hours now.  I would love prayers please.

On a positive note, I’m not going to have a first trimester/nuchal chord translucency screen (that looks for evidence of Down Syndrome and other chromosonal disorders, not something I had with Luke) which I had scheduled for next week because my insurance won’t cover “any genetic or chromosonal disorder testing” and it’s about $400.  My OB wrote down for her ultrasound tech to give the nuchal chord a quick check while I’m there today.  So, that will be nice to check off.  Also, I have a small hope that maybe we could find out the sex today, even though it’s early. 

I will report back with what happens.  Thanks for caring, friends.

P.S.  The parents bringing the newborn baby boy were a no show/no call this morning.  I was so relieved as I don’t think I could’ve handled that today.

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