I am past the first trimester. Since some of the books and apps said after 12 weeks, some said 13 weeks and others said 14 weeks, I couldn’t mentally count it done until after 14 weeks. I think last time, in my naïve first pregnancy, I considered it done at 12 weeks. I am happy to have at least this one big milestone down. I do feel a little safer having passed that, although obviously I realize things can happen all the way to the end. I now know people who have lost babies all along the spectrum of weeks, up to and beyond our own loss at 39 weeks.
It is still somewhat surreal, although I certainly feel side effects of being pregnant. I am excited and nervous about it becoming more real–starting to show, feeling those first movements, finding out the sex…all to come. Each thing attaches me to this life more and more, which is both wonderful and frightening. I am counting on God and prayers to help me through and trying to just kind of take it one small step at a time. I find it hard to think too far ahead. I am not picturing the future as much as I did with Luke, although I of course do some. We’ll see how that feels as things progress.
I think a lot about what this baby will be– a boy or a girl. I don’t know what to wish for. On the one hand, I so wanted a boy first (and I have a boy first even though he’s not currently with me). I was ready for a boy and have a boy-shaped hole in my heart. We have a boy’s nursery set up and so many cute clothes with frogs and bulldozers, etc. on them. It would be very easy to be prepared for a boy. I can’t help but feel like that would be most like God redeeming what we lost. But a little part of me worries that another boy will cover over Luke too much. I don’t really think that’s possible, but I do also see a potential benefit in this baby being distinctly different. But I love the idea of a baby boy.
As for a girl–that would give me an excuse to shop more. I love to shop. It is like my sport. I was never very coordinated or good at any other sports, but I am good at shopping. I love the search and finding those good bargains. I found shopping for baby things one of the most fun things ever. We have so many nice things and they pretty much all came from garage sales and thrift stores. (And from gifts.) I feel a sense of accomplishment that I found a baby bjorn for $3 and a spring green bumbo seat for $5. And girls clothes are so fun. They are almost a little overwhelming to me in how many vast things you can buy. They are harder to coordinate with all the prints and colors, but so cute. I have a few adorable little dresses I couldn’t pass up last go around before we knew what we were having. And all the accessories!
I have a girl’s name in mind, but am unsure about a boy’s name. I love Luke’s name so much and haven’t connected with any other boys’ names that much yet. Josh says it’s a boy because he “only makes boys” (Ha! That’s what you think, buddy! It’s not up to you!), so it would be amusing to see him proved wrong on that. I think he would be cute with a little girl. He appears as a manly man and wants a boy to fish and watch football with, but when I watched him play with my cousin’s little girl this past summer, he was so sweet and gentle with her. My cousin said, “He has to have a little girl.” I would like to see that tender side in him brought out more.
I sent out an announcement email to family and close friends this week, but do not feel ready to post anything on Facebook yet.
For the moment, I am just enjoying spring break (hooray!), trying to find things that sound good to eat, dealing with being hungry often, and enjoying a slight break from doctor’s appointments. Hopefully when I go again in 1.5 weeks (at 16 weeks), she can find the heartbeat with the Doppler!
I am praying for you friends who are grieving and who are in various stages of hoping for or growing new babies. Please let me know if you have any specific prayer requests.