10 Months

Today is 10 months since Luke’s birth.  I can’t believe it has been that long.  Only 2 months until his first birthday, which is such a momentous day that it intimidates me.  We never had a memorial or any kind of service for Luke and it seems like everyone else did, so this is beginning to bother me. It was just too overwhelming at the time.  He doesn’t have a grave site and his ashes are still in their velvet box in the nursery.  There is nowhere that seems right for them except our home for me at this point.  I was thinking about doing something for his first birthday–like a balloon release at the park near our house with a cake or cupcakes and maybe a picnic.  I saw a table set up for another baby’s memorial that I really liked.  It had his pictures, a couple of his stuffed animals, a couple of framed verses and a cute banner with his name on pretty pastel paper flags across the front.  I wanted to create such a thing for Luke.  That would be one more chance to have him be seen.  It would make his existence more concrete for others, I think.  It doesn’t need to be any more concrete for me, but I do want to acknowledge his life and his first birthday in some way that honors him.

I finally told Josh I was thinking of an event and he does not want to do it. He said he already said goodbye and doesn’t care what anyone else thinks, so doesn’t need a public acknowledgment of his life.  Then I also fear trying to decide who to invite and making people feel uncomfortable if they can’t/don’t want to come and also if they do come. Maybe they will think it is too late for such a thing or that too much time has passed. I shouldn’t care what anyone thinks, but I always do. I kind of wish someone in my family had just planned a memorial for us when we lost him, but they are not event planners. I definitely helped with planning my own baby shower and did most of our wedding plans myself. Whatever we end up doing for Luke’s birthday, I know that even an ordinary day in heaven is so much more awesome than any special day on earth. I do not worry about what my sweet boy will be doing that day.

For today, I miss you my sweet Luke as you reach 10 months. I wonder what you look like right now and what kinds of things you are doing with your friends in heaven and with Grandma Jeannine. And with Jesus! What a wonderful time you must be having. I can’t wait to join you there someday. I can’t wait to finally hug and kiss you. I love you so much.

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3 thoughts on “10 Months

  1. You know, a special memorial day might be even better now that it’s been a year. When we had our memorial for Lucy I was still in shock, it hadn’t set in. We felt like zombies wondering around in a world we didn’t recognize. We were so overwhelmed with pain that we couldn’t appreciate her sweet life like we do now. I think it might even be better if it’s a year later so the fog has cleared a bit. But like you said, Luke is living in perfection and doesn’t NEED anything here on earth. i think it’s whatever you feel is right and whatever you are comfortable with. You have honored Luke in such a beautiful way with this blog and many women don’t do that. Happy ten month birthday to our sweet baby Luke!

  2. I was thinking about Taidgh’s first birthday yesterday too, and I have nearly all the same concerns as you. We didn’t have a funeral for the similar reasons – I was griefstricken, and I didn’t want anyone else to plan it.

    I still haven’t decided what to do – all being well, this baby will only be a week old, so having a big thing is probably out of the question. But I want to mark the day and build it into our family traditions somehow.

  3. Same here, I wonder what we will do. We didn’t have a memorial at the time either, and now I don’t know if it’s too late. Ido regret it, but I was not up for planning anything at the time.

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