On Saturday, I went to a nearby neighborhood to peruse garage sales during their community-wide garage sale day. I was having a happy time. Since bargain-hunting is my sport, I really look forward to the community garage sales every fall and spring. I found a house with boys’ clothes for 25 cents each, where I got a whole bunch of cute stuff in bigger sizes like 2T and 3T that I hadn’t stored up yet. I also bought a Juicy Couture diaper bag for $5! I don’t normally go in for expensive brand things like that, but it’s really cute fabric and nice quality. It says “Couture Baby” on the back, which amuses me. I will have fun bragging about how little I paid for it.
So, I was cruising along on a shopping high when I heard, “Sara? How are you?”. I looked up to see the girl who was the school nurse last year at my school. She is nice and I like her. She gave me nice gifts for Luke last year. She is my Facebook friend. She is now a nurse at the Birthing Center at my local hospital, so I may see her again there if I deliver this boy in town. She also had a baby boy 2 weeks before I had Luke. She was holding him on her hip. I had a short, polite conversation with her. I complimented her son’s long eyelashes. She asked me about this new baby. I finished looking at the rest of that garage sale. Then I drove away and cried.
That baby boy is the age that Luke would be. There’s no escaping that fact. He is a year old. He was big. It’s so weird to me that my baby would already be so big. I can’t picture him that way and that makes me sad. I don’t know if he would have long eyelashes or if he would smile at people. I wish I did. Since I know he is in heaven, I’m sure he is smiling plenty there. I just miss him. I love this new baby I’m carrying and I’m enjoying the kicks and movements I am feeling more and more, but I don’t feel as connected to him as I do to Luke yet. He doesn’t have a name yet. I haven’t seen his face clearly yet. I know that will all change and I am glad I will love this baby just as much as Luke. But it is also scary. I don’t want Luke to be overshadowed or put on the back burner. Having a “rainbow baby” is such a weird, delicate dance of hope, sorrow, remembrance and excitement.
I am now 22.5 weeks. I see my OB today. I’m looking forward to hearing his heartbeat again. I’m not so nervous this time since I know he’s alive because I can feel him moving. That’s nice. I hope it continues to be that way.