That’s How Old My Baby Would Be

On Saturday, I went to a nearby neighborhood to peruse garage sales during their community-wide garage sale day.  I was having a happy time.  Since bargain-hunting is my sport, I really look forward to the community garage sales every fall and spring.  I found a house with boys’ clothes for 25 cents each, where I got a whole bunch of cute stuff in bigger sizes like 2T and 3T that I hadn’t stored up yet.  I also bought a Juicy Couture diaper bag for $5!  I don’t normally go in for expensive brand things like that, but it’s really cute fabric and nice quality.  It says “Couture Baby” on the back, which amuses me.  I will have fun bragging about how little I paid for it. 

So, I was cruising along on a shopping high when I heard, “Sara? How are you?”.  I looked up to see the girl who was the school nurse last year at my school.  She is nice and I like her.  She gave me nice gifts for Luke last year.  She is my Facebook friend. She is now a nurse at the Birthing Center at my local hospital, so I may see her again there if I deliver this boy in town. She also had a baby boy 2 weeks before I had Luke.  She was holding him on her hip.  I had a short, polite conversation with her.  I complimented her son’s long eyelashes.  She asked me about this new baby.  I finished looking at the rest of that garage sale.  Then I drove away and cried.

That baby boy is the age that Luke would be.  There’s no escaping that fact.  He is a year old.  He was big.  It’s so weird to me that my baby would already be so big.  I can’t picture him that way and that makes me sad.  I don’t know if he would have long eyelashes or if he would smile at people.  I wish I did.  Since I know he is in heaven, I’m sure he is smiling plenty there.  I just miss him.  I love this new baby I’m carrying and I’m enjoying the kicks and movements I am feeling more and more, but I don’t feel as connected to him as I do to Luke yet.  He doesn’t have a name yet.  I haven’t seen his face clearly yet.  I know that will all change and I am glad I will love this baby just as much as Luke.  But it is also scary.  I don’t want Luke to be overshadowed or put on the back burner.  Having a “rainbow baby” is such a weird, delicate dance of hope, sorrow, remembrance and excitement. 

I am now 22.5 weeks.  I see my OB today.  I’m looking forward to hearing his heartbeat again.  I’m not so nervous this time since I know he’s alive because I can feel him moving.  That’s nice.  I hope it continues to be that way.

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4 thoughts on “That’s How Old My Baby Would Be

  1. That is so hard 😦 I try not to think about how old Lucy should be, but when I see my nephew I am always shocked at the things he’s learning and how much I am missing out on. It is hard to imagine our babies as bigger and older and almost toddlers. One day you will know if Luke has long eyelashes or not and you will get to soak in his smile day after day for eternity. I can’t wait to meet his little brother here on earth and I can’t wait to meet Luke in heaven one day 🙂

  2. I feel the same way. My cousin’s baby is 3 weeks older and when I see her, I can’t imagine having a baby her age. I want to so badly, but since I’m not living it, it’s hard to picture.
    Hope you have a great appointment!!

  3. I’m sure you do, too, on this one. We have friends on Facebook who were due right when Doria was. Those pictures are always cutely painful, or painfully cute, but still kind of fun just to see about what Doria would be like or doing today.

    BTW, I’d be failing if I didn’t mention how awesome it is that you’re storing up 2T and 3T stuff for the win to come here! I’m really impressed and proud that you’ve got the courage to look ahead like that. You’re winning 🙂

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