30 Weeks

I am at 30.5 weeks now. Last Monday at 29.5 weeks, I had a growth ultrasound at the perinatal office.  He measured 3 pounds 2 ounces, which put him in the 50th percentile for growth.  Right smack in the middle, which seems good.  She looked at the blood flow in his heart and kidneys again.  He put his finger(s) in his mouth at one point, which was really cute and my favorite part.

It was a different ultrasound tech this time and she was kind of cold.  She got a little better by the end of it, but I missed the usual girl, who I saw as I walked around the big office, so I don’t know why I didn’t get her this time.  The tech gave me 3 printed pictures, but none of them are very clear.  She had taken some better ones, such as one of the precious moment with his hand in his mouth, so I don’t know why she didn’t print those instead.  That frustrated me a lot.  I also wish they would let me have the pics on a disc every time.  I brought my own disc, but the first ultrasound tech said they usually only do that on the 20-week gender reveal ultrasound.  I guess they don’t understand how precious these images and videos are when they are all you have of your baby.  I want each piece of him.  I wish they would let me have more, even if I’m having a lot of ultrasounds.

We do get to have a 3D ultrasound on July 15.  My OB offers this to all patients for free at 32 weeks.  I’m excited about that.  I hope we get to see his little face better.  So far, I have seen a couple of good profile shots, gotten glimpses of his little hands and feet and seen his little boy parts many times.  There is no doubt that he is a boy:)

I have a little 2-week break from doctors after 2 appointments in a row last week at both offices, then I start non-stress tests twice a week at 32 weeks.  The first one is scheduled at the perinatal office in Phoenix on 7/10, along with a fluid check and consultation with the doctor.  I  am not really happy about starting these frequent NSTs.  It was during one that the horrible moments of finding out Luke was gone started.  He had a good NST on a Thursday and on the next Monday, the nurse couldn’t find his heartbeat with the NST equipment and sent us across the hall for an ultrasound.  They make me nervous.  And it’s hard to have much faith in their effectiveness when they failed us last time.  Luke always passed with flying colors.  My former OB had used terms like “perfect” and “textbook” about his NSTs.  But, there must be a reason they do them and I know I’m supposed to be thankful for extra monitoring.  I will pay way more attention this time.  I do remember Luke’s heart rate being a little higher than usual (I think like in the 150s instead of the 140s when he was at rest) at that last Thursday NST, so I will be watching for that.  I brought it up that Thursday to the nurse, but it was still within the normal range, so they were not concerned.  And it may not have meant anything if it was a cord accident that Sunday night or Monday morning.

In the meantime, I am feeling him more and more strongly and really enjoying that.  Josh finally felt him last night for the first time.  He had only tried one other time.  I think he’s a little afraid to bond too much, but he’s starting to.  When he was waiting with his hand on my belly, I started pushing a little in the middle and said, “Let me push on his butt and see if that helps.”  He yanked my hand off and said, “Don’t do that!”  I thought that was cute, although a little overprotective.  He told me yesterday, “If I come home and see that you did anything that requires a ladder, you’re in trouble”.  I bought some flag bunting for our front porch for the 4th of July that needs hung and there’s a shelf in the nursery that half fell that needs fixed, but I will wait for him to do those things.  I’m glad he’s looking out for his son, even if I think it’s a little much sometimes.  (Such as, he doesn’t like that I’m driving to the Phoenix area once per week now to see speech clients because he doesn’t like me “running around in the heat”.  I’m in the car or someone’s house 95% of the day, so it’s not really running around in the heat.  And we need the money.)

My mom, on the other hand, tells me every time I see her, “I want to feel him!  Is he moving?” but she hasn’t caught the right moment yet.  This boy hits me really low a lot more than Luke did.  I think he might be more of a puncher than a kicker, since he has been head down at the last several ultrasounds (although the tech said he’s still small enough to flip around).  Or maybe that’s his knees tucked up in the fetal position that I feel so low. Anyways, his taps and flutters are a little different, but wonderful.  I did finally break down and spend the money for a home Doppler, but we have so far only used it twice when we first got it. Actually, Josh got protective then too and told me to take it off. He was afraid it was disturbing him to try to listen too long because I said it was making him move around a lot.  I guess it’s good to have it in case I get worried, but I’m glad that hasn’t happened just yet.

There are frequent times when I think I haven’t felt him move lately or enough.  But almost every time I think that, I feel him move almost immediately or soon after.  I think God is giving me that assurance.

I have been extra emotional in the last week or two and crying easily.  I felt down for several days after reading a story posted to Facebook from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, the company that sent a volunteer to take Luke’s pictures.  I was happy to see a story about the importance of those pictures and I was happy that it publicly displayed the pictures which were beautiful, but it really affected me.  This family had 2 stillbirths in a row.  A girl at 36 weeks and a boy at 35 weeks just about a year later.  That is my worst fear.  I know that this happens. I know people have multiple losses, even multiple late losses without explanation like ours.  But it’s so hard to see.  This appears to be a nice family with a strong faith in God and yet He gave them another loss.  I know He will carry me through anything to come and that His plan is the best plan, but I so hope that His plan for us does not include another loss.  I know heaven is the best place for anyone to be and I can see how good things have come from Luke’s loss. I know it has deepened my relationship with God, but I so hope He can continue that through different avenues.

I’m starting to get to the point of being somewhat physically uncomfortable, which is interesting.  I obviously had physical issues last time too, but I never felt that urgency to hurry up and be done with pregnancy that I hear other women talk about.  I wanted to keep Luke in there until he came out on his own time.  I think I will feel that urgency to “Get this baby out!” this time though.  Emotionally obviously, but also physically.  I am bigger than last time (my OB just told me my belly measures 35 weeks with the tape measure–5 weeks ahead!, but some must be my own fat since we know he is right on track growth-wise).  I feel pretty huge.  I’m starting to feel tired a lot more.  I laid on the couch yesterday while Josh vigorously cleaned and I felt bad, but I just couldn’t muster the energy to get my arse up and help much.  Walking around a store wears me out.  Getting up from sitting/laying is a challenge.   When I drop something, before picking it up, I debate “Is it worth it right now?”.  And sometimes it is not.  When I do pick it up, I grunt like an old lady. Rolling over in bed is like a 5-step process and sometimes I make it halfway to flat on my back and all asleep briefly before I wake up and finish rolling to the other side.  I’m thankful our headboard has rails that I can grab onto to help muscle my mass over.

Regardless, I am so thankful for this baby boy.  I love him so much.  He is starting to become his own person in my mind finally.  I’m anxious to figure out his name.  I can’t wait to kiss his sweet cheeks.

Thank you, Lord, for this blessing from you.  Please continue to watch over Him, to help me care for Him the best that I can, to prepare for His arrival, and to honor You on this journey.  And please help me know what to do with him once he gets here!

That Commercial Makes Me Cry

There is a commercial that gets me.  It’s been on a lot lately where we are.  It’s for Blue Bunny ice cream.  It’s about “life’s little moments”.  It starts out with a boy making smacking sounds waiting to be fed.  But that’s not the part that gets me as my husband guessed when I said, “This commercial makes me sad.”  He said, “It’s just a baby being fed” but I told him, “That’s not the part I’m talking about.”  He asked, “What is it?” but I was too choked up to talk about it.  I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t right then.  He let it go.

The scene is about 2/3 of the way through.  A baby boy is eating and puts a spoonful of his food up to his mom’s large, pregnant belly as if to share with the baby inside.  It is an adorable illustration of sibling love.  It clearly acknowledges the precious life inside that womb.  It breaks my heart.  It makes me sad that my Luke can’t do those sort of things for his little brother.  He won’t get to kiss him, help feed him or be annoyed by him.  Even though we likely would not be having this baby so soon after Luke had he lived, it still feels like that is something that will always be missing.  Until we get to heaven, that is.  I look forward to having our family whole again then.

http://www.bluebunny.com/tv/Default.aspx