I am feeling down and worried today. I am trying to remember to “cast all my anxieties on Him because He cares for me.” There’s not been any one big thing; just a smattering of little things, likely heightened by a load of 3rd trimester pregnancy hormones. I think it will help me to list them and get them off my chest, so here goes:
My friend and work supervisor called me yesterday to ask if I wanted some baby boy items. Her niece just had a baby boy, but CPS has taken him away before they even left the hospital. Both she and the baby tested positive for meth. My friend offered to take the baby if the mom would sever her rights and let them adopt him, but she refused amid some choice words. She will likely not get the baby back for almost a year, if even then, so some of the diapers and clothes will then be too small for him.
It is nice that we get to use these items, but it makes me angry in an old familiar way. Here again is someone who seems “less-deserving” who has had a live baby. My OB told me there was this same situation the same day I delivered Luke and that just slay me. It is so unfair from my earthly perspective. However, I know I only have a piece of the picture and when I get to see the rest, it will be just because God is just.
On Monday, I saw a new speech client for the first time (I’m currently up to 9 clients, which is a huge blessing). I first met him while doing my practicum hours in April of 2013, when both I and his mom were very pregnant and due just days apart in May. Well, there is now a 13-month-old baby boy in his house. Baby boys who are close to Luke’s birth time are the very hardest for me. I knew this when I accepted the request from my supervisor to cover him for speech sessions until I have the baby. I was hoping his dad would be sensitive and keep him mostly out of my view. This was wishful thinking. I worked with the 5-year-old, which wasn’t easy in it’s own right being that he’s a difficult kid, while his dad played with his baby brother a few feet away in the room. I tried not to look over much, but there was a slew of cooing, giggles and “dada”. I made it through the session fine, but balled when I left. (I seem to cry in the car a lot.) I have to go there again tomorrow. We need all the money I can make right now to put into savings for taking a little time off when this baby comes, but I’m not excited about going.
I recently had a couple of awkward conversations at church. One was with a man who my parents know. I have talked with him several times with them, but this time I ran into him alone and he asked about the baby. He asked what I was having. Then he asked what our last baby was (my dad has told what seems like the whole church about Luke’s loss, which is sometimes hard for me when they’re not people I know very well myself). I said a boy. He asked if we named him. I said, “Yes, Luke.” He said, “Well, I guess that’s good to have closure and all.” This irked me. We named Luke because he is a person and he is our son. It goes way beyond “closure” and frankly, I don’t want closure. I want him to continue to be a recognized member of our family.
The other conversation was with a very nice lady at a recent women’s retreat. I do not fault her much because I really liked her and she shared that she lost a baby herself at 28 weeks. She said it is the hardest thing she has ever gone through. But when talking about having a C-section, she asked about the physical limitations afterward. She said, “Did they let you lift the baby?” to which I had to remind her, “Well, I didn’t have him.” On a nice note though, since I try to always acknowledge Luke when asked “Is this your first?”, I heard from at least 3 women that they had lost babies themselves or their family member had. It is truly everywhere. We are not alone and I appreciate every time I am reminded of that.
I have been feeling really tired and pretty emotional. I sometimes have to sit down in a chair while doing my hair and makeup, etc. because standing for the duration feels like too much. I did not have to do that last time and do not remember being this tired. With Luke, I worked up until 37 weeks, which is when I will deliver this baby. It worries me a little.
I am also worrying about other things: the baby, money, the medical bills coming in on top of what we still owe from Luke, how/when to go about making sure I have enough work, getting everything ready in time when I am so low energy, Josh and I bickering, being good parents… probably a fairly normal slew of things. Please continue sending prayers for peace and endurance.
My next appointment is this Thursday at 32 weeks at the perinatal office in Phoenix for a consultation, fluid check and my first NST. Before then, I have to call and ask how much they charge for NST’s because I was warned it might be a lot higher through them than through my OB’s office. If so, I might have to cancel that portion and do it with my OB instead. All this insurance and money stuff is not my favorite thing to handle. But then something fun: we have our 3D ultrasound a week from tomorrow. I’m excited about that! I’m ready to see this baby, to meet him, and to be finished with being pregnant pretty soon.
I think I’m okay to now reveal the current names on top of the pile: Simon (which was in the lead for me but no one else seems to like–means “God has heard, listening intently”), Henry (the only one everyone in the family likes, which I like the sound of, but not so much the meaning “ruler of the home” and the references–mean kings who beheaded people, a gun company, etc.), Caleb (“faithful and bold”) and Samuel (to be called Sam. “asked of God”). I like Simon and Samuel’s meanings the best and I would like his name to honor God and thank God for giving us this baby. Josh had said no to both, but just recently said maybe to Samuel. I think at the moment, since Josh said that, I am liking Samuel/Sam the best. We asked God for this baby and He gave him to us, so the meaning is perfect. Plus, I hope God will ask things of my son that he will do. Others considered that I think are falling off the list were: Finn or Flynn, Oliver, Jack, Charlie, Benjamin, Wyatt, among quite a few others. I think his middle name will be Lee after the middle names of my dad, my father in law, Josh and Josh’s grandfather. I’m praying for God to please tell me his name soon, but Josh is reluctant to commit to one for some reason. He said we’ll decide by August 14th (a day before delivery day). Sigh.
I pray for you fellow friends in loss and those who are on the rainbow baby journey at whatever point. I pray hard for you TTC. I hope you are well. Please let me know of any specific prayer requests.
Here’s a pic from a few weeks back: Josh likes to tease me about my overall roundness and say things like, “You could just roll away. Roll and roll.”