Baby boy passed 2 more non stress tests this week. My fluid was a 13.1 on the AFI ultrasound. I have learned that the range is 5-20 for normal amniotic fluid, but that doctor’s like it to be at least 8. So, we are near the middle of that range, which seems good. He’s in the middle of the growth percentile, the fluid is in the mid-range—all that seems safe. It continues to be a bit of a roller coaster these final weeks though.
After scaring myself Saturday night, the first part of the week was pretty normal. Wednesday and Thursday I felt almost euphoric. Excited, happy, content—like all was right in the world. I really felt like we are about to bring a baby home and soon! Wednesday that was pretty expected as I did fun things all day. My sweet pastor’s wife and another good friend (who is newly pregnant after a miscarriage on Christmas eve, hooray!) took me to brunch and gave me cute baby gifts. My mom and I went to Hobby Lobby to look at letters to put the baby’s name on the wall (more on the name in a minute) and to get supplies to make a thank you gift box for my OB’s staff, which I hope to complete and take to one of my last 2 appointments this week. Then we had a late lunch, got my car washed and vacuumed of all the dog hair in preparation for installing the car seat, and got pedicures. In the evening, Josh and I went to the pool and floated and talked about names. It was a great day. Thursday, I had speech clients all day so it was a work day, but I continued to feel super happy. It is so nice to feel like that. Yesterday, the perfect streaked dulled a bit and I felt kind of queasy after my NST appointment, so didn’t get much done between the appointment and my 2 afternoon speech appointments.
Then last night, I had the most sleepless night I’ve had thus far. I sleep pretty well about 70% of the time, just getting up to pee a few times, and the other 30% wake up for a half hour to 2 hours to eat a snack and read for awhile. I think I have had it pretty lucky in this area. Last night, I dozed off pretty easily, but woke up just after midnight and couldn’t sleep until after 5:00 when the sun was up. I tried reading, eating cereal, reading, eating leftovers, watching t.v… Around 4:00, the baby was SO active that I actually worried he was moving too much. He was kicking, shifting and bumping around in there constantly for probably about 10 or 15 minutes. It was a higher level of activity than usual and concerned me. Ironic that I can even be scared by him moving! I was glad when he settled back down a bit. I finally fell asleep on the couch with the t.v. on. When I got back into bed, I couldn’t tune out Josh’s snoring, so I went to sleep in the guestroom and had to try to relax all over again in that bed that feels way too firm for my giant belly. I found myself feeling worried. Anxious about the baby’s name; worried about knowing how to care for him.
After reading a novel for awhile, I tried reading a book that my dear friend Bethany sent me called “The Baby Whisperer” which has great tips, but instead of feeling excited, I just felt overwhelmed. I don’t want this to come out wrong because I am SO thankful for this baby and I know I will be overjoyed to have all these new challenges to learn about. I have been so irritated hearing people complain about caring for their babies and kids in the last 15 months. But I’m still about to be a “new” mom in the sense of bringing a live baby home for the first time and it can still be scary. I’ve never done this before. There is so much that I don’t know how to do yet. In the wee morning hours, sometimes it can seem pretty daunting. I feel bad for feeling that way though. I longed, hoped and prayed for this baby and I want to feel nothing but happy and thankful for his arrival. But I am human and sometimes insecurity sneaks in. I also remember longing for any and all of these new challenges and sleepless newborn nights when my Luke was suddenly gone. So of course, I hope to have them this time. Somehow it will all balance out, I’m sure.
I include all of these feelings because I want to accurately represent the full spectrum of emotions that I am experiencing. Expecting another baby is mainly incredibly wonderful and healing, but there is some bittersweet too, as I’m sure you know or can imagine. I hope that others won’t feel bad about their own range of emotions.
We have 6 days left now. It is surreal and exciting. I am panicking a little about getting the house clean enough and getting my to-do list complete! Hopefully I can achieve a good balance of keeping myself occupied and getting enough rest for this last week.
We have still not picked his name. I was actually crying about it this morning, feeling anxious that we will never feel certain or that I won’t love his name. I was so in love with Luke’s name weeks before he was born and I long for that feeling of perfectness about this baby’s name. I have been praying about it hard and I know God knows His name. So hopefully we will soon too!