6 Weeks

Samuel is 6 weeks old today.  I am happy to report that it is getting easier.  That first month was just hard.  So much crying and feeling overwhelmed.  The last couple of weeks have felt better.  I assume that’s due to my hormones leveling back out more, as well as just getting better at caring for a newborn.  I think having to go back to work may have actually helped a little bit too.

There are still moments where I wonder if I am actually holding a little warm baby.  I find myself thinking, “Is this real?  Do we truly have a baby in our house?”  I love him more and more as we continue to bond and learn about each other.  He is so cute and sweet.  I am so excited to see his first real smiles, hear new noises from him, and see his personality come out more and more.  He has recently started making a new “goooh” kind of noise.  I love it.  He still isn’t looking at faces as much as up in the air or at the periphery of things, but he does look at my face sometimes.  I can’t wait for him to stare at me and give me that smile.  He does smile a lot, but it’s not the “real” smiles yet. I want to see that he loves me in these tangible ways.  So far, I just see that he stops crying when I pick him up and that his face/movement changes sometimes when I talk or sing to him, like he is concentrating on listening.

There are times when I am holding and loving Samuel and I suddenly feel a sharp longing for Luke.  I wonder what he would look like at 6 weeks and what his personality would be like.  I miss him.  I also wonder if I think about him enough.  I try to remember to pray for God to give him a goodnight kiss for me and tell him I love him.

After studying Samuel’s face and Luke’s pictures more, I have determined that Samuel and Luke have different ears.  I think Luke has Josh’s ears and Samuel has mine.  But they have the same hair, similar cheeks, and I think a fairly similar nose and lips.  I don’t know about their eyes, never having gotten to see Luke’s:(  Samuel’s eyes are currently a beautiful dark blue.  I wonder what color they will really end up to be.

This morning, I was thinking about going to the local county fair this weekend.  I love that cheesy little fair.  I like to see the baby cows, the millions of kinds of pigeons and rabbits, the homegrown vegetables and flowers… I enjoy having the excuse of it being once-a-year to eat some kind of fried treat.  I have long desired to take a child to it.  Last year, this was a painful thought.  This year, I am hoping to take Samuel.  He will likely just sleep through it this time, but I thought ahead to next year when he will be a year old.  I pictured him reaching out to touch a cow nose.  It overwhelmed me with joy and I burst out in tears.  That will be so amazing to see.

To take him to the fair, I am planning to use his little backpack carrier for the first time. I have always loved those and longed to use one.  I have a Baby Bjorn (from the flea market for $3–I have thoroughly washed it in the washing machine), a Moby wrap and a sling.  I plan to use them all!  So far, I have really only used the sling, but he likes that.  He is over 8 pounds now, which is the weight at which the Baby Bjorn says you can start using it.  I tried putting him in it once around week 2 or 3, just at home, and Josh said he was too little for it and I needed to wait.  I was just excited to use it.  I don’t have a baby scale, but I have been weighing myself on our regular scale, then weighing myself again holding him and deducing the difference.  He weighed 9.6 pounds today, according to that method, which I realize may not be precise.  He is visibly bigger.  He is just starting to be able to wear some of his 0-3 month size clothes, after mostly being in newborn size these first 6 weeks.  I am excited for his “Baby Brother” onesie from my sweet friend Bethany to fit properly.  I plan to post that on FB as a tribute to Luke.

The growth is fun to see and also makes me sad. I don’t want him to get too big too fast.  He is so cute just how he is.  But seeing all that develops will be so fun too.  And I do look forward to some things that seem like they may make life easier: sleeping through the night, eating baby food, playing with toys and entertaining himself… I kind of wonder if God let me have a harder time at the start because He knew how much I longed for my baby to stay small.  Perhaps He needed to give me reasons to look forward to growth.

This is still somewhat of an out-of-body experience.  It is SO time-consuming and demanding that I don’t have much time to ponder on it, but I am dimly aware that life is drastically changed.  I feel like a totally different person.  I am so thankful for him and I am enjoying him.  I also sometimes miss talking to other adults daily and being free to do as I please.  I feel a little tethered to the house right now.  It will be nice when we are able to get out and do more.  I think I am a person who needs a balance of home and out-in-the-world to be mentally healthy.  I tend to get down when I am home in my pjs and/or unshowered for too long.  If I just know that I have to go somewhere later in the day, such as going to see a speech client, then I can relish the quiet time at home until then.  But if I have long stretches at home with nothing upcoming to look forward to or to be responsible to accomplish, I can get lost. I keep a running of list of things I need/want to do and if I’m lucky, I get 1-3 done in a day.  There is laundry that has been in the dryer for days, the fridge desperately needs cleaned out, I desperately need to email some dear friends back, I have 3 pairs of underwear on the bathroom floor that haven’t made it to the hamper yet (this would be normal for Josh, but not for me)… I guess I just have to find my balance.  I keep reading/hearing that around 3 months, several things in baby care get easier.  If so, we are halfway there.  But I am trying to enjoy all the precious moments on the way and not just be always waiting for some upcoming milestone.  I had enough of that during pregnancy!

I hope you all are doing well.   I think of you often and feel better just knowing you are out there in the world, feeling similar things to me.  I can’t wait to see all the rainbows who are coming.  So many blessings on the way:)


2 thoughts on “6 Weeks

  1. 9lbs?? Miss Willow hit that on day 7 lol. She’s huge, some of her 0-3 stuff is too small. Sigh. I love that she’s healthy, but I already miss my tiny baby. It’s too fast, you’re right to enjoy it.

    I burst into tears this morning too, I got the new schedule from the museum of play, and they have baby story mornings once a week. I finally get to go! But then I get so sad I’ll never take Taidgh. I feel like now the newborn fug is lifting, my grief is coming back again. Too many firsts.

    The smile is totally worth the wait – I got Willow’s on Monday, it was wonderful 😉 I can’t wait to see Sam’s!

  2. I just wanted to congratulate you! I have commented on many of your posts during pregnancy, but I kept accidentally deleting them when I tried to submit them on my ipad. I don’t have much time for anything with the twins, but I am so happy you got to bring home your little boy. I keep you in my prayers. Just know I think about you and wish you the best. I will probably finally have time to write an updated post when my semester is over in December. Christmas is going to be wonderful for so many of us this year! I can’t wait-I just might start decorating soon. 🙂

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