Samuel was 3 months old yesterday. Time is flying. I feel like I am getting the hang of things better and am less overwhelmed. He is smiling a lot, real smiles intended for the viewer now. It is awesome! That toothless grin can lift my spirits instantly. He is also “talking” a lot more with a variety of adorable noises and coos. He has rolled over 3 times from a tummy position. He had a period of lots of crying on some evenings that started around 6.5 weeks that was possibly colic/gas/reflux, but it seems to have improved in the last week or 2. It was worst when I was away seeing speech clients, so maybe it was partially that he was missing breastfeeding, Josh speculated. Whatever it was, I’m glad it seems to be subsiding. It was really stressing Josh out. Josh worries about him a lot and tells him to hurry up and get bigger and less fragile. We saw the doctor about it, tried some different kinds of formula for supplementation, and many other things, but none of them totally seemed to work. Just a baby phase he was going through, I think. He is still fussy at times, but not as bad.
I realized this morning that 11/14/14(2 days ago) was a year and a half since Luke’s birth. I felt bad that I didn’t realize before or on that day. I sometimes think that my grief has almost run it’s course and then something will pop up and surprise me. I’m trying to remember some examples of this:
–A friend wrote asking me for words of comfort for a friend who just lost her baby at 6 months. As I was updating my list of loss resources I like, I found myself crying.
–I was playing with Samuel on the floor in the nursery. I glanced in the closet and saw Luke’s memory box and ashes. They are tucked back where they are not in plain view from a standing position. It made me sad to see them in there all alone. I feel like they need a better spot, but I don’t know where that is.
–Luke’s peony bush is all shriveled up as the cold weather comes on. I found myself hoping it grows well and has pretty pure white blooms in the spring so he can be honored by them.
–I continue to stumble over the question, “Is this your first?”. I recite answers in my head. What I have settled on wanting to reply is something like “Our first son is in heaven”. But just 2 days ago, a stranger asked me this in a restaurant and all I managed was “Ummm…yes”. I was with two ladies I don’t see often and didn’t want to get emotional, but then ending up tearing up anyways as I told them, “I never know how to answer that question.” They were understanding. They brought this special necklace that honors both our boys with their initials. I love it. I love things that include both of them.
–I sometimes look at Samuel’s sweet head and notice faint blue veins running under his skin. It gives me a flashback of Luke’s beautiful forehead marred by the bruises of death and pierces my heart.
I look at Luke’s pictures in the nursery and wonder what he would look like smiling and opening his eyes hugely wide like Samuel does. But all I have are these pale photos and the images in my memory for now. I wonder what he is doing in heaven and what the rate of growth is there. Is he a year and a half in heaven or do time and growth work differently there?
Life is moving along. I feel more and more bonded to Samuel as time continues. I am enjoying being a mom more as I feel more competent at it. I love seeing him prefer being held by me. It is gratifying to pick him up when he’s crying or take him from someone else, and have his tears instantly stop (not always, of course). It’s so nice to see that he loves me. It’s clear now that he does. He’s getting big so quickly! He’s 13.6 pounds now. It’s so fun to see his new developments and his little personality. I’m so proud of him. I can’t wait to see what’s coming next. I look forward to seeing who my Luke is when I get to heaven with him. I am so thankful for the blessings of both our sons. There is no feeling like cuddling a baby.
Here’s some more recent pictures of sweet Samuel 🙂 :