One Month Until Luke’s 2nd Birthday

My sweet Luke,

Your 2nd birthday is one month from today. I can’t believe it’s been that long, but it also feels like a different life in some ways. I have been thinking alot about what to do for your birthday this year. I never feel like I know exactly what to do. I know that I want to mark the day and celebrate your birth, always. It is a hugely important day to me. I regret that you didn’t get a memorial and that we have had no public event for you. I wish we did. I feel like that would help other people remember you and make you more real to them. I just couldn’t handle figuring out what to do or planning anything at the time. I wish someone would have done it for us. Our family loves you, but none of them are really event planners. It was kind of a stretch to get a shower for you. I had to do some serious hinting and helping to get your aunt to organize that, but I’m so glad we had that shower for you. It seems like all the other babies have events, gravestones, memorials… So, with your birthday approaching, I feel a desire to try make up for this lack, but how do I do that now?

Your birthday falls on a Thursday this year, which happens to be my longest work day. I’m supposed to teach in my fairly new charter school position from 8 to 1 and then see 5 speech clients who live an hour away from our home. I usually don’t get home until 8 p.m. It’s a 12 hour day. I have my schedule packed this way so that I can have 4 days at home with your little brother and so that he can be with your grandmother when she is off work and not need daycare. I am hoping I can at least skip the second half of the work day to spend time celebrating you. I think I might like a family dinner and a balloon release? I have been wanting to do a balloon release for a long time. Maybe we finally can. I have a mental picture of pretty light blue/aqua balloons floating in the sky.

I don’t exactly know how to express these desires to your dad and your grandparents. I have told your grandparents that I want to do something for you on your birthday, but no plan came out of the conversation so far. I need to talk to your dad about it. I hope they all feel like doing something too and help me plan it. It is so emotionally charged for me; it’s hard for me to handle alone.

The white peony bush that grandma gave me last mother’s day as a memorial for you is growing quickly. I was afraid it wasn’t going to make it. It looked puny at the end of last summer. A month or so ago, your dad pointed out new little purple shoots starting in it. I was excited to see it starting to come back. It quickly grew to a couple of feet high. It is a pretty light green, leafed-out and has buds forming. I can’t wait to see it bloom for the first time. I hope it blooms right on your birthday.

I love you, my sweet son. I am so thankful that you are in heaven with our Lord. I never worry about you. I just miss you. I wish I could see you and your brother together. Everytime someone talks about their children–their similarities and differences and how they play together–I feel a pang in my heart. I don’t get to see that. I love watching your brother grow and develop. I wish I knew what you would look like at 8 months, like he will be tomorrow. He has changed so much already. He is so cute and shows more of his personality all the time. He is strong, active and has the cutest laugh. He loves to bounce. He likes music and singing. He hates having his face wiped. His first tooth just started coming in last Saturday night and it’s sharp! He has parts of daddy and of me. I know you do too. I wish I knew in more detail what those parts are. Daddy’s cousin told me last weekend that he said to her, “Samuel looks like me, but Luke REALLY looked like me.” He is proud of you too, our special boy. You are our sunshine.