This may not be my usual kind of post because I am upset and needing to vent.
I have been trying to work on setting up something for Luke’s birthday. When I talked to my husband about it a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that I thought I might take the evening off work and he said he didn’t think I needed to do that. Between that and thinking about the money we would lose, I decided maybe I should just work the whole 12-hour day and celebrate his birthday the next night on Friday. Then I started thinking that maybe we better wait until Saturday, since Josh is often tired on Friday nights and my mom works a full day Friday also. But today, as I was working my 12-hour Thursday and thinking about doing the same in a week on his day, I struggled with this. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t like the thought of going around all day interacting with kids and other adults and not having any of them know what an important day it is. Many of them don’t even know about Luke. This hurts.
I tried to kind of tell one of my favorite speech clients about it today. Her birthday is May 10, 4 days before Luke’s. She is turning 12. We were talking about that. I told her that next Thursday was an important day and that I was planning to come for speech, but that I might be a little sad. She asked why and I paused, not sure if I could say it without breaking down. Then she blurted, “It’s not when your grandpa died, is it?” I answered no, but that it’s when someone else died. She said, “Awww” and quickly went on to another topic. This is how desperate I am to have Luke’s day known and acknowledged–I have resorted to trying to talk to 12-year-old girls I work with about it!
I tried to firm up some sort of plan with my husband tonight. Granted it was past his bedtime, and I had already asked him to talk about Mother’s Day plans (and he hates planning), but it went frustratingly badly. I knew when I was bringing it up that it was not the right time, but I just could not hold back. It is weighing heavily on my mind. I again mentioned a balloon release and he said (as he did once before) that you are not supposed to release balloons anymore because it kills birds. He didn’t remember telling me that he didn’t think I needed to take the day off and now told me I should go ahead and take the day off if I want to, which is frustrating because it would have been best for me to tell my clients today while I was with them that I would not be there next week. Now I’m not sure what to do on that.
I asked if we might have my parents over on Saturday for dinner. He said fine. He said he doesn’t really care and that I should do whatever I want. He said he grieves differently than me and that he is aware of Luke’s birthday and misses him…then corrected that to say that he didn’t really get to know him, so maybe he doesn’t “miss” him (What?!). He said he doesn’t need to spend the whole day wallowing in it. He said doesn’t need to spend weeks beforehand discussing and planning what to do on the day. He said Luke has birthdays every day in heaven (I think he just means that heaven is full of celebrating?). He said his mom’s birthday is the week following and he doesn’t do anything for that (his mom died a few years before we met). I said I felt like that was different and that this was our child and he said, “Well, it’s my mom.” I said we could do something for his mom’s birthday if he wanted and he said no. I then tried to tell him that I feel like we have never had a proper event for Luke. I told him that everyone else I have met through this blog has had memorials, have gravesites to visit, have had balloon releases…and that this lack of a proper event for Luke bothers me.
I told him that Luke’s birthday is important to me. He said, I know it is. Mother’s day is important to you. Christmas is important to you. Our anniversary is important to you. Valentine’s is important to you. Halloween was important to you and you made us drag our 3-month-old son downtown in the cold (a previous huge fight–I wanted to get to put Samuel in a costume and show him off, having had costumes in the closet just waiting for a baby to put in them. He thought it was ridiculous and got super angry about the whole thing. He exploded and called me selfish, among other things. It was so terrible, I don’t even like to think about it.) “Groundhog’s day is important to you.”–There’s the barb. I am appalled that even in anger he would put Luke’s birthday and Groundhog’s day in the same sentence. And Yes! All of those holidays ARE important to me. I love holidays and special occasions and I think they matter. Isn’t that a pretty normal thing for a woman? It ended with me saying forget it, I don’t want you to do anything for Mother’s day or Luke’s birthday. I will just do it myself. He left saying, “The big jerk is going to bed. Thanks for making me feel like crap.” Not a good ending and I don’t even understand how we got there?
So, now I’m hurt and feeling alone in this again. It feels like I am holding this big weight and reaching out to my family asking them to help me hold it and they just keep leaving me to hold it on my own, whether they mean to or not. I have talked to my mom a couple more times in an attempt to plan something for the day. She is willing to help celebrate, but again, she just kind of listens to what I say and no plan is formed. My sister is coming up for part of the day this Sunday for Mother’s Day, so I know she won’t come up again so soon after for Luke’s birthday. She is lost in her own land of her boyfriend who she moved in with 4 months ago and his 5 year old son. She’s hard to get responses from lately.
My heart hurts. This is a hard time of year and I feel like I am starting to crumble a little. I could use prayer for how to mark my 1st son’s life and death. I can use prayers for my marriage that has way more strife than I would like lately. God, please show me to right way to mark my Luke’s birth this year. Please help Josh and I understand each other better and not fight so much. We have a sweet baby in our home now and I want him to feel safe and surrounded by love. Please help me get through this big day a week from today. Please give my Luke a kiss and tell him how much I love him and can’t wait to see him someday.