I recently got my first mammogram and had to fill out some forms before hand. One question really bothered me. It said “Date of first live birth”. That just struck me wrong. To me, it said “don’t tell us about your firstborn child, your first son. He doesn’t count. Just tell us about the one who’s alive on earth. That’s all we care about.” I had to fight off angry tears. I haven’t had something strike me in that way for quite a while, so it surprised me. I’m sure there’s a reason they need to ask that specific question, but I just didn’t like it. It also reminded me that there are enough births that are not “live births” that they needed to specify that. Such a hard thing on this broken earth.
God continues to use my experience for good and I continue to make Luke a part of our family and our life. Tomorrow will be one month until his fourth birthday. This time of year is always a little bit harder for me, but I don’t feel so torn about what to do for his birthday this year. I want to celebrate it! Get a cake and release balloons. Maybe go out to eat to celebrate. That is what has been comfortable and what I want Sam to see. My mom asked me if I had plans for it and I appreciated her remembering to think of that. Hopefully some of our family can be part of it with us this year. Last year the weekend did not go very well. So I’m hoping for better things this year.
I went to a baby shower this past weekend. I thought of you a lot during it and also got to talk about you to the mom being showered, who is a new friend and didn’t know about you yet. The doctor who is to deliver her baby is the same one who ended up delivering you, my Luke. She didn’t seem concerned by this fact, just empathetic that we are without you. It is nice that I now can go to a baby shower without it being a heartbreaking experience. I am thankful that you got to be showered and doted on. There’s another baby shower to attend this coming weekend, this time for a baby boy, which might be a little harder.
I took your little brother to the park today. It was finally warm enough to get outside for a bit, with some layers on. I hope you are getting to play in the sunshine all you want and I bet you don’t need any layers on to do so. You are flooded by God’s love, in person, which I know feels more amazing than I can imagine. I love you, my sweet son. I am thankful for chances to talk about you. I can’t believe it will be your 4th birthday in a few months. Time flies by. Your brother is getting big too fast. But each day that passes is one closer to getting to be greeted by you in heaven, my sweet son. I can’t wait to see your beautiful, smiling face. Your dad’s grandmother, your great grandmother, is on her deathbed. I hope that she has accepted Jesus as her Savior so that she gets to go to heaven and meet you. I am so thankful that I know I will. If anyone reading this does not have that relationship with God, you need it. He loves you so much! He sent His Son Jesus to die for your sins so that you can be reunited with Him in heaven. All you have to do is accept His great gift. There is no better help to get through this earthly life which can sometimes be so hard. Please let me know if I can pray for you.
I miss you my sweet Luke. The tears come easier at certain times of the year and this is one of them. I hear one of your songs, hear of someone’s due date near yours and my heart clutches. I can’t wait to see you in heaven. I want to see your face, what color your hair will be, your eyes…everything.
The other day we hung a big ruler that we are tracking your little brother’s height on. Your dad said he bets Sam will be at least 6 feet tall and he’s sure you would have been over 6 feet. I asked, “Why do you think Luke would be taller than Sam?” Your dad said because you had such long fingers and toes, long arms. I hadn’t even noticed the difference or made the comparison, but he’s right. And that made me sad. I don’t get to see you soar to your full height. My tallest son will not be in our family photos. I don’t get see the nuances of how you and Samuel are different. Not for now, but in heaven I will.
We have your ornaments and your stocking up. It made me sad that it was the only empty stocking this morning. We talk about you to your little brother often. He knows who you are. I can’t wait for you to meet. What a hug that will be! I pray that God makes sure Sam gets to come there too. I am thankful you are safely home and I don’t need to worry about you. Here is your brother enjoying the white Christmas God blessed us with for his Son’s birthday this year. Merry Christmas, my sweet son.