Luke’s 11th birthday

Happy 11th birthday in heaven to our first son Luke Hudson. A friend is writing a book and asked me for a quote on what baby loss is like, so I’ll share that in honor of Luke’s birthday today. ♥️

Losing a baby is like losing a thousand should-have-beens. All the dreams of who your child would be, all the details of their life, and the joys of your relationship. So many pieces left unknown, including even the color of his eyes. It was also like suddenly and painfully being shut out of a club I thought I was finally in, one that billions of women enter easily and even reluctantly. It felt like failing at something that everyone else did so easily. Every baby, pregnant belly and baby paraphernalia I came across hurt my heart for awhile. It is like forever having a phantom limb; a sense that some part of you is missing. It is also an extra longing for my heavenly home, where I will finally get to be with my son and learn all of the things that I wonder about him. Where I will finally get to hug him and know him. It is one thing that makes me thankful that this life is just a vapor compared to all of eternity.

Thank You, Lord, for the beautiful gift of both my sons. I trust Your plan, even when it’s hard.

Today, we had a long work day and got home late, but we did have a little cake to mark this birthday. See you soon, my son.

8 Years in Heaven

Tomorrow is your 8th birthday. The longer time goes on and the more I get to see your little brother grow and develop individual traits, the more I wonder what you are like. What you would look like at 8? How would you like school, would you be funny, serious, quiet, energetic? I want to know it all. Your little brother brings us so much joy, I can’t even imagine it doubled with both of you in the house. I wish I could hug you and get your favorite birthday meal and make you a cake. I miss you. I am so excited for the day when I get to see you again in heaven and learn all of these things about you.

For now, I got some pale pink roses and a strawberry swirl cheesecake to celebrate you. Your brother has asked about getting blue balloons to release and I’m thankful he remembers that and that it is meaningful to him. I bought tickets for us to go to the Wildlife World Zoo and Aquarium tomorrow to celebrate your birthday. I hope it’s a fun day as a family as we remember you, our first son. I’ve begun to wonder if maybe your dad blames me for your loss because things seem to be extra rough around your birthday. A counselor friend suggested that as a possibility, and he does seem to be extra angry and harsh around this time of year. Hopefully our outing can be good.

I love you always. I’m thankful you first made me a mom, even though it was a painful way to begin that journey. I know we will be together again and all joy will be restored. I’m so thankful for my salvation through Jesus so that I can rest in the peace and assurance that we are only separated by a thin veil. Your loss is temporary. You are already in our true home and I will get to join you there when my race is done. Some days that is easier than others, but I strive my best to do what God needs me to do each day so that I can enjoy the rewards you are enjoying, my son. I’m thankful I’m forgiven through God’s grace when I fall short (a lot). I’m thankful I know you are safe and in heaven where there are no tears, no pain, no death, no hurt. Surrounded by God’s love and in His presence! I love you so much, Luke Hudson Hopper. Happy 8th birthday! I remember you today and always.

Happy 7th birthday

Happy 7th birthday, my first son! I love and miss you! I look forward to the end of my race when I get to arrive at the gates of heaven and see you waiting to greet me. There’s so much I want to know about you. What color your eyes are, what your personality is like, what your favorite things are. I have so few things of you on Earth. A few pictures, a onesie you wore, a memory box and your ashes. They are still in the closet because what do you do with ashes of a baby who never went anywhere?

This day is always hard because I don’t unpack some of those painful memories very often. The nurse not finding your heartbeat with the Doppler, the doctor coming in to do an ultrasound, the quiet and somber feeling in the room that started the panic, the doctor saying “there’s no heartbeat” and then immediately after, “I know Dr. X wanted you to induce”, which immediately began the guilt. You were so close to being here! We were so excited and ready for you! But I know that God allowed your loss for a reason. He has brought me many gifts through you and your loss has refined me to follow Him better. I long for heaven in a way I did not before.

What I am missing most about you these days is the relationship your little brother would have with you. I didn’t want him to be an only child and I’m sad he’s missing out on that sibling relationship your dad and I both had. During these last 2 months of the corona virus outbreak, he hasn’t had any interaction with other kids. No Sunday school, no preschool, no park or play dates. It makes me feel bad. I hope his development is not harmed in some way by going without that peer interaction. He is so sweet though. When he saw I was sad this morning, he brought me one of our new baby chicks and said, “Here mommy, this chick will cheer you up.” ❤️

We don’t have any big plans for your birthday today. The world is different at the moment, but that is okay with me because I know this world is so temporary. It is not my home. My home is with you and my Father in heaven. I would be happy if this world was ending so that I could get there faster! But for now, I will continue to try to run my race with endurance until He says it is complete and I can come home. I love you, my son and I remember you today on your birthday and always.